The Wolf Woman’s Wahl Papers

10 Chapters… A short Story of How a Little Blue School Bus named Banjo helped Free one Fierce Shamanic Wolf-Woman…

helping her to forge a newly EMPOWERED Life through Mysticism, Music, and Merriment. Enjoy!

The Finger~painting

We are drawing a picture together… Somewhere in the collective unconscious there is a consciousness that we are being drawn Towards and By… If we allow ourselves to be drawn by it.

We tap into the wisdom of this “picture,” able to see glimpses of the lines of this ever-changing, roadmap-like masterpiece, by remaining soft... open… sensitively activated. It is only in remaining Reverent and Pure of intent that one can use their Subtle, Wolf-like Senses to access those abstract finger-painted blueprints, so this process is somewhat… CORRUPTION- PROOF! Once accessed and one is accustomed to that goopy state… like a sailer getting it’s sea legs… or a traveller assimilating to a foreign country’s customs, cultures, and language… one can effortlessly add to them.

I’m sure you have heard people say, “It was like the music was playing him!”

Nothing feels better to a dancer than to be danced by this unquantifiable “it”…. Nothing feels better than to let go and become the “instrument of God” so to speak… Once submersed one can pick up on moment-to-moment nuances, synchronicities and themes in this mystical goopy consciousness.

One “surrenders” to “hear it.”

It is well known that in letting go… a GRACE can be found that finds you,,, but what is not often discussed, is that once FUSED to that state, one can ALSO add to it… and report back.

As creators, painting and dancing in that child-like play-space, like veritable time-traveling agents of change who dip into this “beautiful” futuristic state of “becoming,” one actually retrieves this new consciousness… breathes a de-fibrillating sort of life INTO it… reviving it (simply by experiencing its “realness”)…and carries it BACK, seeding it into the Ground of Being!

There, just beyond the veil of the physical… contributions made when aligned in that “undercurrent” place… of our PURE joy, the blues-iest blood and guts of our collective or personal pain, our bone-chilling epiphanies and breakthroughs… are all etched, recorded and changing “it’s” design. These contributions AND revelations are how we telepathically communicate the “changes” across the “lines” of this drawing… changing the masterpiece… guiding it… as we collectively solve “problems.”

It is like an ever-evolving intelligence received, by all who contribute as “creators,” and the masterpiece is WISDOM itself.

So these “lines” of this “drawing” are actually like wire-tapped telephone lines which we pirouette across…

“Eat me” (Click the play button below)

Many times I’ve heard this kind of “channeling” referred to as “The Muse,” like it is some kind of a woman that “comes and goes.” The Muse doesn’t come and go… it is simply ANY BEING in the “room” holding the Golden Space of REVERENCE.

When combining that with Opening to our gifts... the wisdom-honey simply flows. And doesn’t that just make any art into medicine? That’s the only art I love.

I recently had an experience where I taught my Wolf Child Martina how to “fish” on the piano, as we called this process of “accessing the drawings.” My partner Eli noticed and stated that Martina was ready for this. She knows all the notes on the scale, the chords... rhythm... she picks songs up like that! Like a snap. So realizing Eli was right... one day, when i was doing my yoga practice, I heard a call to teach her. She picked this up super fast.

I simply told her:

“Try this. Just open and play and hear what wants to come through...”

She got it instantly. At first I felt her fumble and then feel a consciousness about the apparent “fumble” but then I said... still from my mat...

“Okay... there is this little inner critic in you right now that needs to die who says, ‘that sounds bad.’ Kill him! She giggled.

Remember Montessori school: “there are no mistakes, only learning”

Keep going- don’t let a hiccup stop you.. soon even the hiccups are poetry~ flow with whatever comes up... and let your song come through to you.”

-Every word I told her was likewise directed to me by Spirit.

It was immediate! She was MUSE and Artist both. The song that came through was breathtaking and more beautiful than anything I have heard for a very long time! It was so full of presentness… each note… each accompanying chord… each pregnant pause…

It all was birthed through the veil with so much GRACE!

I also noticed that the more I stayed in BEAUTIFUL reverent connection on my mat MYSELF, bowing life, opening my body and prostrating in devotion in all the many ways of YOGA... the more the INCREDIBLE songs that Martina was playing came easily to her! So then I realized that numbers matters. The MORE souls in the room are holding such Golden Reverent Space- the more the “muse” is in the “room.” But anyone can do this... and combined with opening to your gifts and asking: “Hey, what would like to come through today!?” The more the songs (or drawings) that are desperate to be heard... come THROUGH.

Although the lines of these “drawings” we tap into are often very abstract, I’m often amazed at how there are certainly very LARGE REALTHEMES that at some point, every pioneer “on the path” seems to be drawn towards! For example… Oceans… Ships… Renegade Pirate Bad-assedry! These are an example of some of the playful larger themes that have been personally very useful to me in my own life… that I have found woven in poetry for centuries! Another theme for me is of course… Wolves.

Spirit-animals were an accepted, regular part of native culture, and would present themselves as teachers or symbols for various lessons needing to be learned. I find it endlessly fascinating when whole time periods, generations, and cultures seem to get a collective visit from some theme… that serves at awakening humanity. And because consciousness doesn’t exist in a vacuum! It makes sense that these valuable images and symbols transcend time and space.

These types of themes, ideas and stories seem to often emerge of their own volition. In fact there seems to be a certain emergent “intelligence” driving them… Downloads are received in the form that each individual needs to fully “hear” them. Just as “God” presents itself in the forms we can identify with... to find us. In reality… even the sidewalk and lamp-post can volunteer themselves as “divine messengers” to help guide us… Yes, even the drunk guy at the bar can channel a divine message” just for our heart… even if it’s unknown to him- how he is serving! IF we can LEARN TO LISTEN. If we can allow an ongoing conversation to come through to us through all things, this becomes possible! And so our “spirit guides” are certainly not limited to some mighty jaguar totem, Oak tree spirit or Holy Buddha Mother Mary Krishna statue cemented in the stubborn hands of unrelenting priests… but can even come to us as a flyer that lands at our feet in the very gutters of New York City’s oily slicked pavements! If it “rings like a bell” it can take any shape at all -if we let it.

And we get good at “reading the signs.”

As far as music… sound is an example of one of the most influential energies for shaping matter. As streams of consciousness flow through an open receiver… the “musician” can choose to be a transmitter allowing that transmission to come through them via sound …so the blueprint of the wisdom they are “channeling” comes to life and that music begins to shape reality, influencing it.

....So as we speak, dance and paint our masterpieces, FED by that collective vision we are being drawn from...  we are actually being “cut from the cloth itself,” so to speak… and It is stringing all of our hearts together… like a many-jeweled thread… advancing us harmoniously in an ever-evolving brilliant tapestry!

In that alignment we constantly get fed the wisdom of new blueprints and upgrades, de-bugged of what was broken or incomplete in the old ones. 

Einstein himself has said, “A human being is a part of the whole, called by us "Universe", a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. The striving to free oneself from this delusion is the one task of true religion… to overcome this delusion is the way to reach the attainable measure of peace of mind.”

 (Most religion now a-days entrenches us into more delusion of separateness, rather than freeing one towards any concept of wholeness or oneness… but you can see where he was going.)

When we release into the goo of the “whole,” be it through meditation, yoga, music, or any alignment practice… it is in this way that we can tap into the streams of that peace… bringing to life the nectar of that peace, found in that whole.. where all the answers abundantly flow… awaiting our retrieval!

Joy and Bliss can be both carriage to this state and also the destination! They live here. That is important to note. By surrendering to the whole, we are able to cross the illusive “veil” to see this big picture which contains all the updated configurations and answers to problems.

The ever-talented Josh Miller intuitively snapped this picture just the other day… and it couldn’t have been synchronized better…

For Jake Hollifield of the Screaming J’s was visiting our house at the time, and as my children watched “Pippi in the South Seas” Jake was JUST Telling me about how eye patches on pirates- many a’ time were not worn due to having lost an eye... but rather to help them balance and adapt quickly to the disparity of light differences when FIGHTING IN the dark AND the light.

You see, in a sword fight... one sometimes finds themselves needing to burst through the dark cabins in the very underbellies of their ships! And one must assimilate to that dark quite quickly if they are to be masterful at the fluid art of battle.

As the battle pulled the deft pirate warrior into darkness… s/he would then quickly shift the patch… "Switching eyes" and use their eye which was already primed for seeing in the dark! This of course MAKES perfect sense metaphysically also... because BY BEING UNAFRAID to face darkness and light unflinchingly, without fear, we are able to deftly master our “joyful struggles.” When we can look deeply into any matter and study our own discomforts, we are able to win over them. Once triumphant, these revolutions bring us onto the shores of liberation and collective healing.

However interesting this epiphany may be… what I find more fascinating is the synchronicity of this theme: Pirates, renegades on the brink, Josh snapping this picture, the conversation with Jake about eye patches… all things ocean lately, and I JUST uploaded this Pippi Longstocking film to Youtube thinking, “These ‘Me-Too’ -movement primed times could sure use such an unstoppable pint-sized bad-ass pirate heroine such as Pippi!” All this happening at the same time! “Were we all drinking from the same well?”I wondered…

These themes seemed to be following me… and they certainly didn’t seem to be just my own. In 2017 I wrote a short story entitled Big Boats and Lost Boys; the Growing Pains of Becoming a Supersheroe! This detailed true-life transformational journey was based on a vision I had of a pirate-ship from the spirit realms picking me up to set me down on my own two feet. I had had the vision at a Phish show. 2 months after that vision, Phish released their “Big Boat” album. Then as a surprise, Phish transformed their New Year’s Eve Stage into a Giant PIRATE ship, at Madison Square Garden at the turning of 2018. I attended that show and had no idea where my seats would be. I was shocked to discover the theme as it was unfolding, and my seats being RIGHT behind the stage, made it so that when that magic moment hit, it felt as if I was driving the ship myself! This magic encompassed me in a in a sea of blue, via bracelets all MSG guests received that started glowing blue around midnight! Was it possible, that I wasn’t the only mystic “time traveling artist” that caught wind of this pirate ship vision?! This set my Pippi heart sailing upon…. POSSIBILITIES… and had me believing full-on in the power of how my art and stories are tapping into a much deeper well… one we are ALL BEING FED BY…

Oh how these visions and DREAMS come to life! When the seeds we tap into and sow even FURTHER, drawn from that world of “becoming,” start to bear fruit… IN THE FORM of our ART we bring to LIFE… there is nothing quite like it! It is the joy of being privy to playing a part in manifesting into reality the healing magic of that universal mind’s pulse… itself! At that point its like shifting from being a complacent human to a conduit and creative serving force!

2 months later ”The Salt Doll Who went to Measure the Depths of the Sea,” was released, an exquisite concept album by the Low Anthem about a little salt doll who in order to (receive messages in bottles sent by spirit) and gain wisdom about the Ocean, had to dissolve herself completely into it.

To say I could relate… was an understatement.

“The Queens of the Breakers,” album by the Barr Brothers was released as well this year, as was Ryan Montbleu’s new song, “Ships.” There are many more examples of this same emergent theme that all these masterpieces seemed to elucidate.

It would be easy to claim that perhaps all these works and my work, since we are all comrades… influenced each other, which of course is true, but beyond mere humans influencing each other’s art, there is a universal intelligence driving these influences… which can be described as a tap-able well, fed by a collaborative life-force… an eco-system made up by all life. Likewise, these types of kismet themes could be brushed off as mere coincidences… due to the programming and conditioning we have all been subjected to via the the dogmatic limitations pounded into us…

Perhaps you would have to loosen your mind a bit… of what is possible and not possible in order to shed those limitations…

Drink Me. (Click the play button below)

Of course at times I doubt the sanity of these quandaries and theories myself… and like that salt doll… a certain letting go of what “we know for certain” is absolutely necessary… (which just so happens to be the exact reason religion is limited… as it spends so much of it’s time trying to “nail-down” the TRUTH and convince others of it’s concrete-ness… rather than understanding that “IT” is actually a fluid ongoing, uncontainable, and un-marketable, ever-changing conversation…. )

To dig deep, to be so open as to hear the moment’s song… “hear the sphere music” -as Rumi puts it. This requires that we “un-learn” a bit and forget everything about the old blueprints that we think we know. Even upon gazing into our night sky at the stars, we are reminded that they are merely an old, out-dated road-map projected out from billions of years ago… To think of them as concrete would be folly… because to look at anything that seems concrete is actually to reflect upon the past… To be truly present, one must not reflect nor project… but simply BE an open vessel of Now..

Like a ship… sailing on something much more fluid and buoyant than cement….

…a meditation-like dream state is required, to see what the true moment presents. Submersed in the moment we ebb and flow on each true moment. As dreamers… who seed new worlds… we are required to surrender any pre-conceptions or doubts at the Door of what is Possible in order to be granted passage through it. So… how many hours of practice have we offered sharpening our subtle senses, like a Samurai sharpens a sword?  And are we merely spiritually by-passing. NO! That won’t ever do. Truth will not ever SUBMIT to Branding.

To truly OPEN the INNER EAR… and to TRULY SEE with the well opened Third Eye WE MUST blow out the phlegm of our egg-nog laden stupor of HERD Mentality, keeping us ROBBED of our personal POWER and potential… AND when THAT time comes…

OOOooohhh Boy!! BABY! MUST we LOSE THINGS!

And the things you will hear… once you’ve cleared OPEN that S P A C E… are JUST MIND-BLOWINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

Don’t waste words with skeptics and desecrators who only wish to make everything small. Soon the feast of this HEARING AND SEEING would turn to crumbs. You know the types, that just want to talk talk talk about nothing. If someone doesn’t want to hear the reed flute, it’s best to cut conversation short, say goodbye and leave.

The others want to hear the music but then they drown it. These crumb munchers, There is a great feast they cannot see or comprehend.

At any gathering I am there mingled and laughing and grieving, a friend to all but few will hear the secrets hidden within the notes.

No ears for that.

Body flowing out of spirit spirit up from the body!

There isn’t even any concealing of that mixing! But seeing is not given.

Only longing for Union creates beings to be possessed with seeing and hearing.

Move on to those who answer the door… at least they can begin to set the table.

The reed is FIRE not wind. Be that empty of attachments that turn to ash so quickly... be instead the FIRE itself.

REED IS MY PAPER BOY endlessly delivering the MORNING PAPERS!

Good Morning! What a way to Wake up!

The Reed is a friend Only to those longing to tear the fabric away! A sugar cane flute has such a effect because it is able to make sugar-cane sweet for the tongue. The tongue has only one customer. The ear. The sound that passes through is therefore medicine sweet for the ear. Stay in the pure hollow note. Stay in the reverence of The Friend where everything grows.

Listen to the story told by the Reed.

“I’ve been separated.”The reed says, “since I was cut from the reed bed I have made this crying sound. ”Anyone pulled from the source is only longing for reunion. Here is a fine remembering of the feast of the day! Even in a petal. A wing, “humans love wings.” I told the moth.

“Here’s a secret,” said the beautiful white speckled moth, “Moths and winged ones love your long red hair.”I only could commune through my loving humility.

Sages don’t want followers -only friends to feast with! Make music! Mischief! To swim with.

Glory!!? Pfft. Have you ever heard Of a sacred well that wasn’t hidden?! If anything a sage wants the quiet to hear the passion music. The well is always hidden and yet in plain sight. If anything, a well Seeks solitude so it can hear all the quiet underground perfect songs.

Certainly not the idle chit chat if devotees.

Be your own lighthouse! …or spend a long time lost and sailing. Eventually you plunge and dissolve completely only into the ocean!

The sensitively activated who have sharpened their subtle senses - who can understand these words …are senseless!

Always listen for even the slightest evidence of the waters you wish to swim for days in In rapture with The Friend!

So dig a hole! Claw through to it!… -Roughly Rumi

SO. first and foremost, how long have we excavated doubt to make our tender way to the truth that this type of communion and communication is even possible? …for us to access and download the blueprints of the shapes and patterns that present themselves as answers in the form of... “signs,” as we “track” them like a wolf tracks… or like a record tracks… pressed onto vinyl… like a road map of fresh pathways drawn in the desert sands of time that our wolf-like senses have hunted down and then presented proudly as an offering to the starving masses like a slab of fresh warm Spirit MEAT of sustenance… AND… did you know:

that SCALE isn’t an issue?

As far back as 2800 years ago Bodhisattvas- those great compassionate teachers who vow to help awaken other beings... state that when “enlightenment” occurs, the effect of that enlightenment pierces the veil and uplifts and frees any other beings where a link was formed with any and all other beings since the “remote distant past.” A chain-link is strengthened as one person awakens. That ripple travels across the chain-like-links meeting everyone in their own worlds… 

PHD Dr. Sheldrake calls this the “morphic resonance” that is possible… across the type of “wire” I describe. When a species acquires new learning, that intelligence is sent like a blast of consciousness through the ether, and all other similar species telepathically somehow get the upgraded download unconsciously. He has proven this with lab rats.

The “universal mind,” (one of the many names given to it) which the reverent can access could be defined as a type of intelligent ecology made up by all life that is a universal ecosystem that one can learn to swim in and sip from… and when this is done, it can be used to draw upon the nectar of the medicine needed to solve problems.  When we pull on a thread of the veil long enough because our hearts bleed- seeking answers longingly… the whole veil unravels and all becomes clear as we get a glimpse beyond it!

It is always stunning to me to realize that ANYTHING truly channeled is both universal and timeless, and that GREAT WOMEN and MEN… who have decoded Universal wisdom… have been “leaving breadcrumbs” born from this feast… and streams born from this “well” for a loooong time.

Well so how, you may wonder, do pirate ships, the ocean… or even wolves for that matter, serve in freeing people, right?

And what on Earth does this premise have to do with me or the story I’m about to tell right? Allow me to explain…

CHapter 1

“YOU ARE CLAIRVOYANT! POW!”

It is spring of 2018… this unfamiliar and yet very animated voice booms at me in the parking lot of “Bull McCabes,” in Somerville, Massachusetts.

It surprises me and I jump. I found myself at this iconic little venue because my comrade, Chad Galactic was in town. He was managing The Mother Hips at the time and they had a gig at Thunder Roads, a venue across the street.

I was two-timing… splitting my time between seeing him and the band, but also listening to this tug- which was pulling me quite strongly across the street to “Bulls.” There, some other friends were playing in a band called “Krush Faktory,” a great little conscious hip-hop/ reggae band who plays every Thursday night featuring Marc Friedman (of Ryan Montbleau band), Jimmy Trapela, and Kabir Sen… among other Boston-based gifted musicians who swap in and out. It didn’t make much sense that I was over there since Chad was only in town for that one night and The Mother Hips were on fire… but something in my soul that needed healing was feeling needed or called there.

I met Chad one night at my house at one of our house-concerts when he was managing songwriter Nathan Moore. He got drunk and read some pretty spectacular poetry to two of my pretty girlfriends in my bedroom. The poetry didn’t “work” as he may have intended… but we became pals, and have been ever since. He is undoubtedly a character.

That night I had driven to Boston in my new little school bus, “Banjo” that I was renovating, hoping to show it off to Chad. The truth is that even though I had jumped through many hoops at manifesting what was sure to be my bus-pirate ship… for a trip I had planned across the country with my two daughters… I had been having a lot of doubts as of late on what the hell my mission even was. I was questioning the sanity of what it was exactly I was trying to prove. Was I just crazy to try to renovate this thing in time for June for this exodus?! What was this the 1960’s? Who did I think I was, a sober yoga-mom spirituality-seeking version of Ken Kesey? AND what about YOUR Husband!?

(I was feeling the Guilt of a woman who was about to do something for HERSELF.)

This was a sort of redemption trip. A sort of RECLAMATION trip. It was a trip that was to be with JUST me and my two Wolf-Children daughters.

So… I was needing encouragement… and Chad was an expert at encouraging “impossible dreams.” I was sure this night would boost us both, but suddenly standing there in that parking lot of Bull Mc Cabes at set-break the voice repeated itself, and it wasn’t Chad’s…

“I said, YOU. ARE CLAIRVOYANT.”

This came from a very distinguished looking gentlemen well into his 70’s who looked not unlike an older Samuel L. Jackson. He was wearing a very dapper, 3-piece suit, looking at me through his thick-framed glasses.

"Oh, hi! Me?” I smiled ear to ear, blushing, able to tell right away this man had “seen” me. Truly seen me.

He had seen me earlier when I was on the dance floor. He’d occasionally toss a very knowing smile my way, and shout an energetic, “YEAH!”

I lived in isolated central Massachusetts at the time, where the winters are long and brutal. Getting out to Boston, an hour away, for live music in the “spring”- and I use the term loosely- takes real effort, especially as an introvert/extrovert type that tends to retreat deep into her rich inner-world and Rapunzel-like tower. Frozen by the lack of sunshine, the allowing of agoraphobia and the sooty-paradigm of the cold world to take over, is easy in New England that time of year. Plus it’s just too dang easy to get stuck in the coziness of the country. BUT. Music is my life-blood, the great connector… as is DANCING… and it is as essential to me as OXYGEN. Needless to say, as soon as the music was truly working for me, I started dancing HARD letting it sloth off all the oppressive layers that winter had burdened me with… Kabir’s hip-hop rhymes were STRONG like a shot of Hennessy straight to the guts of me. And once that music got down in me, feeding my inner most soul-shine… And these boys who I have known for SO long and LOVE me, my brothers, felt my LOVE back. I started “feeding” the whole scene that sunshine bursting up through me, through my dancing. AND very soon… we had LIFT OFF… on LOVE.

When I let the music have my pain… I get real vulnerable… opening to it, I ask it to move me and to help me untangle the blockages and figure out the answers I need. It always feels like solving a rubix-cube.

It’s no wonder many musical devotees call going to see live music, “Going to Church.” To me it is like the chi channels in my body open with dance to the music made by musicians who likewise “open” and allow themselves to be played by spirit… and as spirit flows through ALL our veins… the stagnant blockages in the chi channels flush out! In that alignment all the answers are made clear and your CHI becomes STRONGLY flowing with those answers…

It is IN this harmonizing with spirit that my cup overfills with LOVE and I become LOVE and LIGHT itself… like a vessel to lend so much pure contagious healing of its own volition toward others. When this happens… my dancing becomes an EXTENSION of the alignment music is carriage for… I become an embodied blueprint of spirit. I become PERFECTLY in synch… in tune… and it’s like I am “One step ahead of the music” even… like I know where it’s going… I can feel every vibration… and the whole room starts feeling reeeeeeaaaal good and synched where I can even help “smooth out” any of the stagnant energy…

Well. Apparently this man saw me do it.

“YES YOU.” He grinned, beaming at me. “Surely you know! LISTEN, look up the definition of clairvoyance in the dictionary, they throw you in the Loony Bin!” He erupted in thunderous laughter that seemed to shake the buildings.

Sheepishly I said, “Well… I sort of know… but I definitely doubt it… a LOT. I’ve never called ‘IT’ that personally… I think of it more as a fusion… But how did you know I am? That I DO that?”

“WELL IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, DON’T YOU KNOW!” Again his laughter filled the air and it seemed like the very trees turned our way coming to life on a warm breeze as if to inform my subtle senses that this was my CHAMPION “angel” tonight that I had called for… come to encourage me. “IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.” He said again firmly.

Not being versed with being “seen” so easily… I was Shocked, amazed, and blubbering over my words… “Oh my god, you are amazing, I’ve never had someone say this out loud to me like this, seen me so instantly… you know this is like what buddhists call a ‘badge of actual proof’ to strengthen my resolve-”

“Nah GIRL! NO!-” he said cutting me off, “YOU GOT TO SHARE IT. Not just carry it around with you like a badge. What’s wrong with you! YOU. GOT. TO. SHARE. IT!”

Sheepish again, embarrassed I paused and said, “…well… no, I mean it just helps me believe… but yeah… I do, I write quite a lot you see, and I definitely work to share it with others… with my yoga… teaching seniors and children… young women especially-” sounding awkward and trite as I always do around my spiritual elders…

“I KNOW THAT. YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW YOU ARE A SOPHOMORE in this game?!” His laughter erupted again making buildings shake, peeling the paint away from boxed-row-houses.

I smiled big at the idea of being a “Sophomore in this game!” and said, “Wow. I don’t know what to say. I’m really honored to meet you, and I can’t believe how much you can see others. You don’t know how encouraging and timely this is. I feel tremendous gratitude…” At this point there are genuine tears in my eyes. I was feeling moved that spirit had my back so much to present this fortifying angel to my side… I stopped myself this time and said nothing at all, and just smiled big gazing at this miraculous man… sending him infinite gratitude and respect through my eyes… in absolute reverence and awe.

He concluded this (intervention of sorts) by saying, “Well thank yourself for listenin. And you can’t even help it! So don’t doubt it. That hunger… It’s IN YOU. So Share it. It’s the only way. And remember. It ain’t ever goin away.”

That was the last thing he said, and the last I saw of him. I knew then that it was he, I was being led to, the encourager I had needed and summoned. His words would be emblazoned forever in my heart so that I would share all this… in time, and with confidence.

WOW… I came to show off my bus, feeling like a fraud, like a crazy, home-wrecking jezebel… and then this happened.

I shook my head, heading back to Thunder Roads, to say goodbye to Chad… and left immediately, amazed.

Chapter 2

“STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF!”

As I drove home full of gratitude and reverence for my affirming angel, I thought of the other time a powerful divine messenger championed me… clear as a bell in this same way… just months previous…

Tim. It was January and I met Tim on Jam Cruise. 

(Jam Cruise is an interactive science/art experiment of a music festival set on a trippy-tippy GIANT Cruise Ship for 5 days sailing across the Carribean.)

Many bands I know as well as solo musicians play nearly non-stop on this carnival ride… and collaborative smorgasbords of creativity are enough to send a writer soaring for years…

DISCLOSURE for the Karens… sigh: Now, while the Idea of boats makes me nauseous, and the oh-so-polluting-to-both-the-human-heart-and-Sea-Cruise-ships, EVEN more nauseous… the writer in me won at a game of straws one year for her sheer curiosity… so the Earth Goddess had to hold her reservations.)

Tim is an interesting character who, circa 2016, sold everything he owned, quit his high-powered job, and moved to Peru to become a sort of shaman. He had come aboard the ship with one Ryan Montbleau, a well-known song-writer in the Northeast, and friend of mine. He would be performing on the boat throughout the festival.

I bumped into them both Day 1 of Jam Cruise in front of one of the massive ships’ cluster of elevators. Ryan and Tim were standing there laughing, looking at each other. They had both popped out of their room, and had just noticed that they were wearing very similar green shirts! “Should I go change?!” Ryan asked with that bemused smile he has about him…

“Not at all!” Reassured a laughing Tim. 

After some brief introductions, Ryan said to me, “Lara… meet Tim, Tim speaks your language.” 

Ryan reads my writing, and I knew exactly what he meant because just that morning before we all left port, I had written and shared with all my friends a piece inspired by the hotel we had stayed at in Miami the night before. It was a piece, all about languages and intersecting cultures. Take a look:

“This here’s your Captain Lara speaking. We made it to Miami. Jam Cruise tomorrow. Last night Dibs arranged a Screaming J's show at the hotel we are staying at ... I could write about this place alone for days! ...It's like a Wes-Anderson character-piece daydream! Dibs never fails to bring us all together in these incredibly interesting layered, cross-section, story-rich vortex-settings. The juxtaposition of our beloved North Carolina, ragtag, rootsy Screaming J’s crew... against the lively, techni-color, Jam Cruisers (which alone is all that you love about your favorite cartoon families as kids meeting! Like "The Flintstones" meeting "The Jetsons!") -amidst the legions of 80+ year old "mainstream" cruise-liners shuffling around and packing the courtyards and congregating in the lobby of this hotel, as the sassy Jamaican concierge check-in guests and the gimmicky costume-clad "Captain" subjects unsuspecting victims to his jokes at the packed breakfast buffet... all while the 1950’s music is blaring at the pool as low planes fly overhead. So many immersive pockets of contrasts to jump into! For a sensitive chameleon like me... it had me in spots! At night in the motel bar, stand-up comedy unfolded in parallel to our psychedelic Screaming J’s footloose and fancy-free shenanigans in the ballroom next door... and as the night wound down after an epic dance party which sent all our hearts soaring and cultures intermingling through the immune system of the ether... Our sweet little family basked together in "the glow" of the safe haven of Jake Hollifield's 40ft school bus, ”The Great Blue Bliss Bus.” 

Snuggled were we, with sister witches reunited... It's these SISTERS that Jake has somehow magnetized that I feel most gratitude for as they fill such a desperate need in me for True connection... Laughing late into the night... these long lost moon-goddess empresses and loving cosmic brothers... who see me, love me wholly to my core, with absolute acceptance, who know the worlds I swim in... and don’t just understand them but Dance there for days... pushing the very boundaries of those worlds till they grow even bigger in our COALESCENCE... that essence... where the words fall away and all that is left on the surface is brilliant giggling in-coherency.... in that connection... and yet this is the truest language I speak. ...one that so few speak and understand... and in that moment as Rosie spoke of cells aligning till break-dancing is possible and Abe could only be understood in energy as the linear fell away and his words, on the surface, were an incomprehensible slur of southern vowels, yet perfectly brilliant...

I understood how precious it is to find those who speak your common tongue where no Babel fish is needed... where JOY is the ONLY Tongue needed… to converge with those who know your dreams best, the places where you dance... where so few, can, sadly, go... how precious that is. Like LIFE-SUSTAINING Nectar to my parched soul… in that magic bus surrounded by this family... I realized… how precious it is…

Needless to say… Ryan reads and is influenced by my work…  so I understood instantly what he meant about Tim speaking my language. Not only THAT, but BOTH Tim and I seemed called to the specific work of empowering Sacred Divine Feminine… in balance with healing and restoring TRUST with the Sacred Masculine. I took a liking to Tim immediately, for his light-hearted silliness parallel to his intense presence. This seems to be the EXACT combo of qualities that only truly great teachers seem to possess both of.

By Day 4 when we all had surely lost our minds to the festival gods and Goddesses, soaring in our tiny spec of a psychedelic ship immersed in that endless sea with freed hearts… floating in the realms of the limitless Neverland... Tim approached me at “The Spot.” 

The Spot is a place on deck 7 of the ship where Nathan Moore acts as the (unofficial ;) King of Anarchy… hosting an all-night musical sharing-affair of mostly original music… till the sun rises. It always seems to attract both, the ships brightest diamond-in-the-rough stars as well as the ship’s rowdiest! Therefore it’s always some sort of a mutiny! …whether it’s driven by an incognito Keller Williams wearing a wig or a bag-pipe wielding mad-hatter!

I noticed Tim smiling and staring at me through the crowd as the merriment, shenanigans, and brilliant collaborations unfolded.

He approached me and said… 

“Can I talk to you? Can I tell you some “downloads” that are just for you?”

Trusting both my instincts and any friend of Ryan’s I said, “Of course.”

At this point he put both his hands on my shoulders to look me squarely in the eyes and compassionately said, 

“I see you. I see what you do. The work you do. I see the love you give. YOU give, and you give, and you give. And you are a LIGHT. A big one. And yet you are suffering. I see it.” At this point hot tears started streaming down my face revealing deep pain, for he was speaking to my spirit and doing deep healing work FOR ME, and it was seeping into my being all at once Via the words he was saying.

He went on, “I also see that you are a linguist, you are adaptable to many different cultures and languages right? That’s kind of your thing, right? It’s your way of being able to connect with so many different kinds of people and articulate TRUTH. I see that too, but I also see that you are distracted.

THIS is distracting you.”

(At that point, he pointed to the mostly-men playing music at the Spot huddling around Nathan Moore.) 

“You have a lot of women around you, I see them, they surround you in your Energy Field, their energies. I see one, two… six… seven! At least… and many more still in circles beyond the immediate one around you… who THEY influence. They are POWERFUL Influencers, and they need you. They look to you. They really need you. You do a LOT of tremendous healing work with women. YOU are a very big INFLUENCER. And you are distracted. You are squandering your gifts with these distractions, and WE really need you. YOU are VERY powerful Lara. I’ve seen it.”

 At this point my eyes were wide and I was dumbfounded by his clarity of perception, and the compassion of his bravery in chastising me… He nailed it. I WAS stuck. And I knew all this, but didn’t want to face it… I KNEW that I was re-living and re-visiting a consciousness I had outgrown by lingering where I shouldn’t. Having heard it out loud now by a legit fellow healer… I was of course embarrassed.

I was going to have to face some realities I wasn’t ready to face… My WORK was being affected. Of course I could no longer “Un-See it.”And it wasn’t that I was being LAZY as much as… well… I was differing to MALE ENERGY for VALIDATION that would never come. I was looking for approval from those that couldn’t give it, I was repeating a self-abuse cycle. I needed to stop enabling those who were GLEANING OFF OF the LIGHT AND LOVE of FEMALE Energy- who weren’t CAPABLE of giving her the proper Respect and CREDIT she deserves. I needed to SHIFT to LIVING a life where I was RESPECTED… and to LET GO of the people who were incapable of supporting me in that way -GUILT-FREE.

“Don’t waste time with skeptics and desecrators who wish to make everything small.. soon the feast would be turned to ashes… “ I heard this echo in my heart…

Enough already… it was time, I had to rip the band-aids off.

I was this POWERFUL little Shaman that could move mountains… do a TON of HEALING work for OTHERS… but at the SAME time STILL this scared little insecure girl who believed Rapunzel’s FAKE captor mom that she was NOTHING and could never make it in the world or survive!

So I clung to my male teacher pirate mentor “dads” like Nathan Moore, who albeit emotionally constipated in the ways of properly holding homage and respect for the True Divine Feminine -had cast off his own chains of giving a FUCK about herd mentality, or whether people liked him or not.

I clung to people who LEAPT into their purpose and who had broken their OWN chains… and I was GLEANING off them rather than making my SELF take the Leap for ME… because while I had the whole DIVINE FEMININE Radiant Child-LIKE, LOVE thing DOWN TO THE T, I had zero examples of SACRED MASCULINE BOUNDARY Setters. Thinking I was In love with or attracted to these men- when in truth I was only HUNGRY to embody IN MYSELF these QUALITIES they offered.

Being around Sacred Masculine role models served in teaching me about not giving a FUCK about being a polite little “Good Girl” SO that I could SEE through the manipulative BULLSHIT, masks, veils, and tactics that people use to keep you in chains and from your purpose.

What I can tell you now… Today. July 20, 2020 with 2020 VISION- Is that MOST of the MOST Powerful healers and shamans I’ve met were born into families where they were the Lone Wolf in some way… PRECISELY perhaps to THWART them from the work they are MEANT to Do to Uplift Humanity. Or Perhaps to stoke their fires of having to PUSH THROUGH the resistance to BIRTH themselves into their TRUE PATH. Make no mistake. And it’s not so much that a person is purposefully a saboteur!! …as much as that the “devilish functions” of ignorance and fear present in people to try at EVERY TURN to Thwart EXPANSIVE BEINGS from breaking Herd Mentality’s disguise of “security.”

BECAUSE GIRLLLL… (I heard my Maha Shakti Goddess black Grandmother Wolf speakin to me…) “It AIN’t Gunna be easy what you tryin to do. In a world of such DENSE PROGRAMMING AND CONDITIONING of the OPPRESSION of personal Power, of Women, of anyone or anything tryin to DO ANYTHING that ain’t an Old Gaurd Uncle Tom upholder of Patriarchy, IF YOU are walking an AUTHENTIC SHAMANIC HEALING PATH- IT ain’t gunna be easy. Deal with it. And you GUNNA LOSE THINGS, people, things. So get READY CHILD.”

I’ll tell you, I have met many skilled “channelers” who channel messages for people, of course I do this too… but not many have done it FOR ME.

I’ve helped so many… now I WAS GETTING HELP, and I wept with a combo of terror, DEEP Gratitude, A sense of being truly LOVED, looked out for by spirit, and also out of sheer sheepishness… for by-passing instead of RISING and STEPPING INTO my LIFE. It was Time.

He pierced RIGHT through the layers of my chameleon-like shape-shifting disguises… right to the heart of me. AND SAW ME. It was disconcerting. 

He was right. For specifically that night...

Earlier, Shira Elis of “Turkuaz” had hosted a Girl-power jazz-room all-star jam she had curated that had me doing DEEP healing work for the empowerment of women, not just women present in THAT room… but in “THE ROOM.” The womb room where ALL women everywhere RESIDE… and time and space is transcended and SCALE isn’t an issue. As In the fabled “Wolf Mother’s Wall-Papers Room…”

It was POURING out of me, nearly effortlessly. Via massive love infused dance, as described earlier. 

After that set I had connected with so many amazing bright young women… a girl from Hawaii who just completed her yoga teacher-training course… who I talked to at length, encouraging her. I empowered MANY a young powerful FEMALE shamans that night. Later I talked at length to a comrade, a woman named Emma Blue who I only knew through her presence in the music scene. We talked for so long about WOMEN in Music… and so many others needing EMPOWERMENT, VALIDATION, TO BE SEEN! All these powerful ladies were magnetized to me. We needed EACHOTHER.

Sometimes when I’m aligned with spirit there are certain people I end up helping that have a LOT they need to hear from spirit. It’s the same as what Tim did for me. With all the women I had connected to that night, in a deep life-changing way… I ended up learning so much in these exchanges, as I always do… the medicine flows in all directions.

…But later that night despite knowing some greater work was calling me to keep going, go upstairs and stay in the center of my gifts… for this purpose, I DIDN’t LISTEN to the CALL. I kept going back to the “Spot.” I was fixated on “what the boys were doing.” There was something I needed there. But it was like a slap in the face to Spirit who had gifted me so much flow and power to heal the world... Heal Women, and there I was fixated on… boys. Throwing my gifts away when it didn’t “ring like a bell” for me to be there.

And so… TIM, as one who likewise is sworn to LISTEN… Got the call to appear to me in his human MALE form to tell me what was up a little LOUDER, so that I would listen.

If it’s one thing I have learned, it is that when Spirit calls you to do a job, you listen. And when you don’t… you become like Icarus whose wings burn up by the hands of your own arrogance… flying too high to “the sun” and quickly your powers turn to ashes…   

At this point I was jolted back to Tim:

“A good start would be to STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF!” Tim sent a jolt through me. He was holding me up firmly. He was doing deep healing work on me. I was crying. He was digging deep.

Rather than realize how capable and strong I was with my newly self-made shiny wings… and understand how important it was for me to use those wings in order to accomplish the very large task at hand being asked of me…  I kept cowering on my knees… differing back to male validation, out of habit. It was like outgrowing a pair of shoes but continuing to wear them despite having incredible new ones made special just for my feet, simply because I had become attached to the comfort …of the pain. Suddenly I realized how many FEMALE teachers had been trying to access me. Jen Ward being one TRULY great one, and yet here I needed a healer in a MALE body to snap me out of it, sent by spirit.

I felt Foolish. And Foolish was the right place to begin again.

His words triggered a deep avalanche of personal healing, shining such a bright light on it all… 

“Grant yourself the gift of love and freedom. Every step you make matters. You have so much magnetism and PULL! Do you realize the power you have? And JUST how much it MATTERS for you to let go of Unworthiness… and into the EASE of your path with JOY?

Don’t choose pain any more. You’re better than that. It doesn’t serve you anymore Lara. It ends here.”

 He went on to tell me a whole slew of other information I needed to hear and have resolve over.

Like me, when I’m channeling for others, he doesn’t remember any of the details of what he told me. He only remembers that we connected in this sacred way of Spirit and that it was healing work to pull me back to my path, fortifying me and shining DIVINE LOVE unto me. 

That experience with Tim continues to inform me to this day. That boat trip was one of the hardest of my life in self-discovery and healing.

It was also the one in which I FINALLY woke up.

You see… in my day to day life at home… I consumed myself in environmental work, Syrian refugee work, volunteering endless hours at the kids’ Montessori school, making organic gardens happen, birthing communities out of thin air! Putting together Environmental Groups and Diversity Coalitions together! All while teaching a minimum of 6-8 yoga classes a week!…and on and on and on with HEALING WORK for OTHERS …and ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS was I focused deeply on my girls. My girls were my LIFE. And my greatest motivation for EVERYTHING I DID to make a better World on this planet. For THEM I moved mountains and always had an organic meal on the table and clean joyful house at that.

And it wasn’t like it took only the spiritual kick to the head that Tim on Jam Cruise gave me- noticing that I was absorbed in “avoidance” -to Jolt me into seeing. A couple years previous when I had started to realize that my “spare time” from all of the above… was being filled with nearly 2 hours of chanting and yoga practice… that perhaps all these “extra-curricular activities” albeit incredible ones, were perhaps just very healthy… LEMONADE MAKING, and more of an escape from my partner than anything… but in the end… there were some real lemons to be dealt with. My whole life was blossoming except my relationship with my partner.

So finally, finally I asked myself… well why the lemons?

Why… Lemons are what assholes hand you, for you to transform… Why on Earth were the people closest to me, my mom and partner, who were supposed to be my BIGGEST CHAMPIONS were making so much pain and work for me with their skepticism and lack of faith in me? Was I denying myself of a more Beautiful LIFE of EASE and JOY that my HEART KNEW Was Possible? And… What would life be like without the sabotaging pain? Could it be that easy that I literally could just step away from people who at one point in my life suited my unworthiness so that I COULD BIRTH through their resistance and become the DETERMINED fierce Mountain- moving WOMAN that I am today? Now that that doesn’t SERVE ME ANYMORE?

Or was I to struggle through transforming my partnership and my relationship with my mother MAKING them ACCEPT and respect me more?

(I had many questions and PAIN in finally looking at the Raw red anus of the situation.)

Again I heard that voice of Great Grandmother Goddess Black laughin at me… “It ain’t easy what you tryin to do, and it AIN’T gunna be Backed by popular demand girl…”

(It was then that my soul put the call in for TEACHERS, HEALERS, MENTORS… I started meeting these “angels” who are likewise sworn to serve and heal who can hear the subtle finger-paintings speak to them…

One is a teacher by the name of Jen Ward. When I approached her for a healing about all this pain and confusion I was in, she suggested we do “energetic cleanse” Taps… Which you can read about here. The way this works is it kind of wipes the slate clean between you and your partner- or whoever you wish to do the protocol of taps with… Taps include phrases stated as intentional re-wiring like… “I take back all that so and so has taken from me in all moments… and I give back all I have taken from so and so, in all moments.” -All while tapping your head and heart. It either does two things- make your relationship better than ever! Or… awaken you to some real dysfunction that is what the whole relationship is built on… either way, you can’t unsee the stuff once you see it. So it sets you on a trajectory to eventually cut ties and dissolve the karmic contracts with the person… if they have been forged out of trauma. This work changed my life. It is because of Jen that I was able to make sense of all that was happening to me.

Kenwood Dennard is a mentor, and another angel that introduced me to Nichiren Buddhism, and to the practice of chanting to transform your life. This has also been instrumental in my liberation and empowerment.

My husband and I had never been more disconnected upon seeing so much of this suddenly. And that Jam Cruise there was a BRIEF moment that I saw him come alive again…. and it stoked my hope… he approached me full of love with eyes that truly SAW me. Eyes that hadn’t looked at me that way in a long, long time… eyes full of appreciation… like he saw me light up the room, instead of in his own head, like he wasn’t threatened by my expansive state. Instead he was AMAZED! In LOVE! Able to HOLD ME…. And in his eyes I also saw… HUMILITY… like he was sorry for taking me for GRANTED, for having grown bitter and jaded. Indeed, all these emotions he usually cuts off- he was FINALLY allowing himself to feel, and they WERE REAL!

…but it all came crashing down HARD- when I realized he had taken some MDMA. 

And it broke me.

IT was then that I realized I was truly living a lie. And I had to look at it, hard, because I was dabbling in escapism. And upon being faced HARD with this reality… IT was on that Jam Cruise, that I realized how utterly unhappy I was in my marriage. I was so good at making lemonade and being a warrior alchemists that I became HAPPY… by focusing on my girls and every other area of my life… but I wasn’t facing that it shouldn’t be that hard with him, and I wasn’t facing that for a PRAGMATIC IDEALIST wanting to take flight… his cynicism sabotaged me in ways that KILLED me.

I had outgrown the chrysalis.

Well, on that Jam Cruise I finally decided to address what needed to be looked at rather than pretending like everything was lemonade and roses, I was finally telling him what I needed, and it wasn’t met well. He didn’t want to face any of it and clung to parts of it that he later twisted. And all my fears came rushing in. I would lose my kids, all my friends, my family, my house. He would see to it. I was terrified that he would be strategic and calculated. I had seen it when he burned bridges with others when they didn’t see eye to eye.

It was 6 o’clock in the morning and I hadn’t slept. I had tried to go to bed. I lay in bed next to my husband feeling the enormous disparity between how HAPPY I felt when on my own, and how miserable and disconnected and full of terror I felt with him now that I was letting myself see all that I needed to. I wanted to die.

I went up to Deck 7 with my yoga mat where I could get some fresh air, and I burst out crying and crying. THE SHIP WAS HUGE. There is NO WAY that Jake Hollifield, one of my best friends that happened to be on the boat with us that year- who COULD HAVE BEEN ANYWHERE at that moment, was NOT there in that precise moment to save my life. I was at one of the LOWEST points in my life. I felt like jumping off the boat. It’s the only time in my life I have ever thought about killing myself. And I LOVE LIFE!!! Lara LOVES LIFE. I sat down and tried to chant and unrolled my mat to tried to do my practice and instead I just wept and wept. There he was, sitting not 7 feet away from me, watching me pray and crying at the same time, desperately. Unable to make the pain go away.

He approached me. He cooed and soothed me, and opened his heart about his own life. He was there for me. It was then that he planted a seed for my  freedom and happiness- however that might mean for me, his sister. He was a friend to me. He offered me TRUE support. I will never forget his kindness in that moment with his eyes so full of love and patience. He saved my life. And I will always love him for it. I will always love ALL my angels.

Realizing how much my life was depending on it… I summoned the courage I needed on the plane ride home from Miami, from Jam Cruise to tell Jason, my life-long best friend that, it had been clear to me for a long time that our marriage was over. That it wasn’t him, but we had simply grown apart, and that I wanted a divorce. Even as I said the words I believed I would take it all back! Be instantly filled with dread! That I would beg him for forgiveness, right upon saying the words…

But I didn’t.

I cried in the airplane bathroom tears of relief and pain I had pushed down for so long.

Nothing ever felt more right.

…As I drove my blue bus, “Banjo” home

…that cold, New England night from Bull McCabes thinking about the words Tim had fortified me with on the boat, not 4 months previous… thinking about Jake’s compassion, thinking about what this new champion angel had said to me that night in the parking lot of Bull McCabes… I felt less overwhelmed and more clear on my need to simply LET Go, trusting Spirit’s call to this rite of passage for me and my daughters. 

I realized that if we are serious about SHIFTING this world towards balance and RESPECT for the Divine Feminine, she was very much needing to STEP-up her own SELF-LOVE game. She needed to step up her BOUNDARIES in reclaiming her AUTONOMY, and step away from what she knew, from what was comfortable… towards new calling territory. She needed to stop falling into False guilt because it was just dragging out the pain for EVERYONE. She needed to become a FIERCE MODEL for what this new, balanced paradigm might look like.

Even if I didn’t know all the details yet myself… As a radical path-finder I was utterly determined and emboldened for the journey ahead. 

Chapter 4

Wolf Children

I spent the next two months really focused on preparing for such a trip as this, both practically and spiritually. 

We completed Banjo’s renovations on June 17th and as we did the conversion, I KNEW I was converting not just the school bus, but un-schooling MYSELF. I was reprograming the hardwire of my own brain towards… HEART-centered reclamation and …freedom. Banjo was this butterfly’s wings.

I’d soon find out JUST what a chariot for freedom Banjo really ended up being. SHE SAVED ME. She was a literal BLUE-print of my new life… Everyone’s gotta start somewhere. I started with a School Bus.

Here is our transition video. Take a look.

Picking my Wolf Children up in Banjo, on occasion from school was the cause of endless joy! And it certainly gave their friends dreams for days. In fact one thing in general we found with Banjo, is that whether we were driving to the gas station, down long desert highways, or parked at a festival… people who saw her always seemed to look over with their eyes full of wonder as if Banjo’s sheer existence was stoking the fires of all those long-forgotten dreams! Banjo is our Heart n’ Soul. She is our Neverland pirate ship on wheels!

About Wolf Children Life:

The words “Wolf Children Life” are now forever emblazoned on the side of Banjo the little short school Bus in Rainbow swirling day-glo letters painted on by my fellow Goddess comrade musician Brittny Charity, dear friend of the Revolution! YES. Wolf. Children. Life. 

The Wolf Children theme though… was one we did not conjure up ourselves… but was one that mystically came to us through the Ether.

It was August of 2016 when the “Theme” came to us. The girls and I had been obsessed with a Miyazaki-inspired Japanimae film entitled “Wolf Children,” directed and co-filmed by Mamoru Hosoda. The soundtrack to the film is breathtaking. The story was about a human single-mother left widowed by her ware-wolf husband. I know. But her struggle in raising up her two shape-shifter wolf-children in an insensitive human world spoke to me. In order to give her children the CHOICE of whether they want to be Wolf OR Human… she eventually moves from the city to the remote wilderness of the countryside, where via her back-to-the-earth arduous journey, along with a little help from some compassionate, trust-worthy humans she meets, she is able to create a life in which her wolflings thrive and develop STRONG as BOTH wolf-children AND human. 

My girls and I, being all three of us incurably endowed with the “Women-Who-Run-With-Wolves” gene took to this inspiring film like wildfire through our veins… 

“Take them to the forest to un-school them forever!” My inner Wolf-Mother HOWLED Scratching furiously at the doors to be let OUT!

Yes, and since that film took on the privileged role, directed by SPIRIT herself, of “That which would plant the first seeds to re-awaken me” BACK to my Wolf-Mother Self, BACK to my Wildling True-Life path, Back to my Roots… I started seeing WOLF symbols EVERYWHERE. 

Yes. “This is the room of the Wolf-Mother Wahl Papers!” (Author’s Note from future 2020: The book which this Tom Robbins quote comes from literally jumped from the book shelves in the town I eventually move to- in Western Mass at the Book Mill in Montague MA and found me, TELLING me to WRITE THIS HERE STORY!  )

So that August of 2016, upon seeing the Secret Life of Walter Mitty- I felt called to take a Wolfling adventure somewhere magical… and ICELAND called us. While there, my little Wolfies felt called to wear their wolf tails and Wolf Children-hoods ALL over the country on our incredible adventure. We spent DAYS frolicking in our Wolf-threads across mountains, under waterfalls, and through canyons admits Iceland’s most captivating landscapes and geothermal healing waters! The trip was a trip of a lifetime… 

 And it was on the last day in Iceland that we spotted it. In  the city of Reykavik. A GIANT building size grafitti-mural depicting a Wolf Mother and her two Wolf Children howling up at the mad moon!  It was the TAIL~END of our enchanted trip, the LAST day. 

I had planned to create a film of the trip and even had visions of it on the plane ride over. The shots I would use... the feel I would create, the music I would set it to… from the movie… “WOLF CHILDREN…” the girls as free, undomesticated Wolf-Children… romping around this verdant primordial landscape as wolf-children. The goal was to inspire others’ long forgotten dreams and inner wolf calls! The film I would create was all being painted effortlessly in my vision as we flew to Iceland. To state it again: I SAW IT ON THE FLIGHT TO ICELAND BEFORE our journey EVEN began! I was giddy with grace receiving the VISION… but NEVER in a million years did I expect this! 

What a BIG SIGN!

The LAST DAY of our trip, we stumbled upon this GIANT MURAL by sheer accident! After the film was envisioned, after a shot tons and tons of footage, AFTER we had coalesced the entire vision.

IT ABSOLUTELY confirmed to me a few things.

One of course, was that I was on the right path. Two, was that the HEART KNOWS what the mind takes longer to catch on to… Three was that if you are BRAVE enough to LISTEN to the heart even though your brain hasn’t caught up yet, or can’t yet in the linear- you are SUPPORTED every time. Yes. If you TRUST, time can slip up and down and back and forth and this Finger-Painting… this FORCE will help fortify you every which way it can. Just imagine… after days of romping around in our wolf costumes… THIS one big, GIANT “YES” from the cosmos. There was nothing short of MAGIC about it. YES. Wolf Children Life was meant to be and this miraculous discovery of the mural was the last piece of the cosmic puzzle. Iceland had come to us in a dream calling us.. And it was as if to say… ONLY on the LAST day after you had TAKEN the LEAP of Faith and followed EVERY Wolf Call… tracking it… was I going to give you this wink… and swoop in and loop you back to the beginning. It was the Ass-backward red cherry, the bright blue bow on top of my sundae waiting at the finish line only after I had eaten every last crumb and licked every last lick I was given… It was weird and yet perfectly corruption proof, the way it worked! Almost as if it was telling me that this was all Divinely Orchestrated… and, “Thanks for playing along.”

So I decided right then and there that that mural we found on that LAST day, would SERVE as the INTRO to my film! Perfect time-loop recognition. 

So the video’s intro would be a little LONE wildling wolf-child in a cold lonely city… like so many of us who walk the wolf path alone… KNOWING THAT surely this call that is buried deep inside of us, this longing that is both REAL and needing to be heeded, is something that is INDEED REAL and leading us HOME. And like so many of us, this little wolfling looks to the arts and ancient records kept encoded in poems, lyrics, stories labeled merely as “folk-tales,” and YES! …also giant artistic graffiti finger-painted murals for inspiration to grant us passage to the more beautiful world… to the spirit world! And so… upon finding such a record plastered on a city wall… she little wolfling child, too would step through the painting! LEAPING! Like so many have done.

The mural was a portal that would provide her passage to a more nourishing FEAST of a world beyond the veil! One rich with reverence and nature! And so all the videos I took the whole trip would then come together in this story arc of the film! It was brilliant.

At the end of the video you would see the Wolf Children step BACK to the human world, through the very same portal.

The video was beyond special to make.

Take a look (Lick me):

But this theme kept following us… beyond the movie and the trip to Iceland. It kept tugging on us to take it home with us, to make it part of our whole being-ness. And we were so happy to oblige. Nothing felt more right.  It began to represent something very sacred to us. The most sacred. 

It represented our purity, our reverence, our connection to spirit, to nature..…and represented our freest, wildest, happiest selves! YES. Wolf Children Life was meant to be. Women who Run with Wolves was in our very veins… both in open forests and swaddled in Great Round Rooms of the Wolf-Mother Wahl Papers… It was all meant to come alive WITHIN …ME! It was clear.

I was meant to write about it, and the signs felt like I was meant to become a wild woman blueprint meant to help set So Many women wild and free, most simply… by setting myself free.

Uncharted Waters~

This trip wasn’t JUST for me and my girls, it was reinforcing a pathway TOWARDS freedom for ALL WOMEN… for all those who feel they can’t. For all those around the world with apron strings tying their hands to family obligation, or under the rule of their tyrant husbands, or those duped into putting their needs, their credit, or their accomplishments Last. Always LAST.

“Ground Control to Major Tom…“

We wouldn’t be FOLLOWING any Band, like the Grateful Dead, upholding the Patriarchal business-as-usual of (it’s okay as long as there’s some father figure you serve) we wouldn’t be the hidden figures pouring ENDLESS work into our brothers’ glory with zero credit or pay. As shamanic dancers, writer, artist, musician, cooks, merry-makers, and influencers etc etc etc… And as healers, everything we do serves others, BUT this would be different in that we would be Healing the Name-less Healers whose names have been purposefully erased from the History books.

Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
"This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

YES The name-less: Grand-mothers, Mothers, and Divine Daughters of Revolutions, who birth entire Civilizations! Communities! The Women of Renaissances. We would be doing this for THEM. WITH THEM. And for all future Renegades. When Language ITSELF is Patriarchal… what a task. For women’s work has been under-valued to say the least! Made non-concrete, made immaterial! Made invisible and worthless.

Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go

And as a SKILLED PIRATE that has become SAVVY at Sailing my CRAFT MYSELF, I would FIND AND Reclaim WHAT WAS STOLEN by the Patriarch so long ago, BREATHE LIFE into the Divine Feminine Bloodline SHE-WOLF Blueprint from the beyond the VEIL … BIRTH HER into NEW existence and EMBODY what a BALANCED Divine Feminine in this World may look like!

And to all those who say… “I don’t see Gender! Your focus on the Feminine and Masculine is just creating division!” YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELVES. While you may not THINK you SEE gender, it doesn’t mean that MISOGYNY is NOT REAL and SYSTEMIC. The Oppression and subjugation of women, much like RACISM, is in the Undercurrents- breathed by EVERY INTERACTION known to “man.” -point proven. It’s even steeped in our God the Father Lagnuage. And I wanted MORE for my Daughters God US Bless us!!

“…Planet Earth is blue
And there's So much I can do"

I remember sitting in a tree when I got the IDEA for WOLF CHILDREN LIFE TOUR- in Which this witch would document for the HER STORY RECORDS… like a Wolf Tracks… taking her Wolf-Children Girls BACK to Gaia… in the name of this… So that they might have AT LEAST ONE example (if not a NEW WHOLE LIFE steeped in) what it looks like for women to do something WHOLY for themselves.

Chapter 5

THE MEAT OF IT

Yes, The Meat of all this of course was that this journey was also about absolving myself of any long-standing contracts with my soon to be, “Kid’s father…” 

He will always be a RESPECTED member of my family. At the very least, through association, through the blood and guts and bones of my MOST REVERED FRUIT-of-my-SACRED-LOINS-Children. It is through this connection that he will undoubtedly ALWAYS and FOREVER be connected to me. And therefore a MOST Respected member of my family. (Whether he likes it or not.) But was I done with our marriage without a SHADOW of a DOUBT?

YES. For a long time. YES. Married 13 years… In some type of romantic partnership with him for nearly 20 years!!

What a LONG time to build castles in the sky with someone. And THAT. We did. Many illustrious THRIVING communities in fact were born and BIRTHED from the FRUIT of OUR partnership. Many that are still thriving today. I regret NOTHING. He helped me BECOME the woman I am.

…and So for more than 2 years, I struggled with…

 The Two Kinds of Guilt!

One Kind of Guilt was the guilt of considering ending our marriage… “Think of the Children!” …and other such voices of SHAME!

Being part Italian descendant (raised in Italy till I was 7!) and part American Airforce brat, I had come from a long line of family who NEVER got a divorce even if it KILLED THEM. Literally. Oof.

But, despite the Old World Italian recipe of both guilt, a dash of shame, and a butt load of Christianic conditioning-spew that was baked into me that said: as a woman, my job was primarily to serve my man, my home, and kids and never think of anything else… there was something ELSE nagging at me.

And this was… 

THE second kind of Guilt. And this was a deeper guilt. The guilt of feeling like I was giving up on my truth. My path. My dream. My self. 

This one hurt a whole lot more. While, the first kind demands you to answer to others… this second kind, when you laid your pretty head to sleep at night on your clean white linen… was DEMANDING you answer to yourself. 

This was the most difficult feeling of fraudulency possible. I ignored that voice and slept, and slept, and slept… as many women I imagine do… and for many years I managed to beat the shit out of her until she was silent. Of course anyone who knows me would tell you this surely isn’t true! Lara is one of the most vivacious, colorful enigmatic warrior wonders out there! Not living her true path?! Preposterous.

But it’s true. There was more…

More I was meant to do. And I knew it, and all who truly knew me, knew it. And I toiled night and day for more than two years trying to figure out which voice, which I labeled as “Guilt1 and Guilt2” was LOVE, and which voice was Fear.

I realized that “STAYING” or “Going” didn’t actually matter all that much. What mattered was the HOW. 

I could have Stayed in FEAR or Stayed in LOVE. Left in Fear or Left in Love.

Say that Staying was the path of Love. Well then, to Leave would have been =Escapism. Whereas to Stay would have been =GROWTH. Dig in your heals! Go to therapy! Don’t run away! So, if this was true, to STAY would have been to Release Illusion, contempt, and fear of intimacy and Embrace that path of Love and Forgiveness. Right? Right!! Go to Therapy!! Well… we did. It made me realize soo much about my childhood!… about myself! …and the more I learned… the more which path was which become Crystal Clear. 

So let’s “pretend” now that LEAVING was the Path of LOVE, and Staying the path of Fear. Well then, that would mean that SECURITY AND COMFORT were what was keeping me locked in chains… or Guilt and Shame. It would mean that maybe I should have left the relationship a LOOOONG time ago, but because of False Guilt, I stayed WAYYYY longer than what was healthy for either of us. If that was true, that would mean that FLIGHT from the marriage, Freedom and EXPANSION- (though scaring the SHIT out of me) -was the path calling me of GROWTH, or, THAT PATH OF LOVE.

AND after MANY YEARS OF CAREFUL CONSIDERATION, Consulting my GUIDES, Asking Spirit, consulting with Mediums, LSD, Buddhists, HEALERS! Trees, etc! THIS. Was Exactly. What I finally concluded.

And the BITCH woke up. My inner Wolf. GROWLING AND SNARLING… Angry that it took me so fucking LONG to read the signs.

Pissed that I HADN’T Woken up SOONER.

ME. It was ME. Me who I had beaten to death. ME. The WOLF. I had traded in my running for comfort, true integrity for security. RESPECT and HEALTHY BOUNDARIES for complacency.

And she was pissed. And so was he. I could no longer unsee it. I begged her to forgive me. Begged him as well. Begged her to give me strength. For I was terrified. I was terrified to leave, for fear of how I might be “punished” and treated… by him, by others more invested in what I “SHOULD DO” or who they “wanted me to be” rather than THE LIVING BREATHING ME… for how I’d be judged. And I hurt him. I was STARVED for real connection from a Sacred Partner. I was scared because deep down the inner Wolf-Bitch KNOWS. She knows how fickle humans are.

She knows how many who feign to “love you” only actually love you… if you remain in the chains of doing what they want you to. Well that. I could not do. So the first real move I made post-telling my husband I wanted a divorce- was searching for a little school bus. I had no idea why this felt right. My heart knew what my mind COULD NOT understand. ALL I knew was that it’s always been a life-long dream and one that “made me feel me.”

“Does it make you feel you?” My youngest Martina often says when I’m debating what to wear.

And FEELING free to be ME is exactly what I desperately needed back then. AND I WORKED my ass off my whole LIFE FOR OTHERS so I didn’t GIVE A RAT’s ASS about the money it would TAKE to make this BUS and this PILGRIMAGE a PRIORITY.

I didn’t realize till later of course that this but was actually a safe space and blueprint for my whole new life.

Well back before I KNEW all this completely, when the ink on the flying Banjo Bus Lupos Bambino! ...was still drying, where freshly painted bold, sleek hope-filled rainbow techno-color day-glow letters laid re-CLAIM-ation to “Wolf Children Life!”  …back when I was still figuring it ALLL out, back when I was still struggling with the two kinds of guilt, unsure

…and the Wolf Mother was still just stirring in her cave… to the very first faint sounds of the beat of her very own long forgotten drum… way off in the distance… deep in that cave where stalagmites and stalactites sharp as teeth… had been accumulating… where she was cutting only her dreams with them… 

I remember snuggling my girls and daydreaming of what it might be like if we truly LIVED Wolf Children LIFE… for a whole summer and beyond in Banjo. The call towards becoming more and more our wolfie-selves became stronger than ever. Much like the mother in the Wolf Children Story... I longed to give my children a real taste of freedom… so that they had the opportunity to understand what life was truly like as both “human” or “wolf.” 

They had had glimpses of Wolf Life… but they were always fleeting and short lived. I wanted to give them a submersive experience… I wanted to let go and see where the wild wind called us! Where each intuitive call would take us. Every time we did this sort of “spirit walk” locally, it was always so profound and informative. 

It seemed we we had Spirit cheering us on every step of the way… 

so Many Signs…

I remember in April… It was OUR first BANJO adventure… I was driving the girls back home in Banjo as one of our first local maiden voyages and “test runs.”  We had just left our sister Uni-me’s home, the White Owl Farm in Tyngsboro, Massachusetts… It’s a highly mystical place, and she is a highly mystical sister. The girls and I always emerge from that place with leaves in our hair and secrets of the spirit world. I had felt the very distinct PULL to veer off course towards the exit for the Tower Hill Botanical Garden as we drove... I had never been before and we had zero plans to go, nor any incentive... It made no sense to my conscious mind, but it was a strong tug. We listened, and as we walked on the expansive frozen grounds of Tower Hill we came across it. It was entitled:

"The Wild Rumpus"

…we were led right to it.  

You see, just this past November I had written a story entitled, “The Merriment Mary Meant” all about another Spirit walk the girls and I had gone on. In this story I showcased a music video that had THIS EXACT “Wild Rumpus” sculpture made by the same exact artist from the film, “Where the Wild things Are!” The video served as music and imagery background in the story, and yet here in front of us, sprung to life as if FROM my story, was that same sculpture. I was speechless. We all were! We, all three of us understood what this moment was and meant. Another affirmation of being on the Wolf’s tracks... Shock-waves of reverence washed over me… It was the eerie feeling of being watched by some benevolent force… As if that force has been right there with you all along. I was dumbfounded and overwhelmed by the magic of it. It felt like a reward for following our subtle senses so well. We had listened to the nudges that beckoned and called, and tracked them like well versed wolves!

I had a lot of doubts, as mentioned… “home-wrecker” …were words that kept taunting me… and yet how much bigger of signs could one possibly conjure up?! Clearly I was onto it… clearly I was protected. It strengthened the conviction of all our intuitions. “YOU are on the Right Path,” it said.

How life affirming. How re-assuring, that when you truly let go to the wild wind with TRUST in the signs that call…inevitably you are ALWAYS lead HOME.

The Wolf-Woman stirred and S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D… in her cave…

Chapter 6

ThE Voyage

We set sail the day my two Wolf Children got out of school and didn’t get back till the middle of August… 2018 The day we set sail my youngest squealed in delight, “MAMA!!!!! I can’t believe we did it!!! We really did it!!” And everyday on our journey one of them would occasionally look over at me, riding in the “first mate” passenger seat and say… “I love you mama, you are the best. We love Banjo!”

The following is the Music Video I made of that brave journey.

1 Mom, 2 Daughters, 1 school bus named Banjo, 19 states, 3 music festivals, 3 family reunions, 4 National Parks, 3 Hot springs, 2 Oceans... and 8,000 miles!

(Bite Me:)

The CARROT and inspiration that gave shape to this journey was waiting for us in… COLORADO! A little family reunion type festival was happening in one week’s time there called, “Conviviality Family Boogie.” A little Screaming J’s style Burning man of sorts that started in a man named Gee Bee’s back yard.

Colorado was the first stop on this Wolf Woman’s walk to freedom, not just because of this gathering but also because it was the last place I had been utterly alone, independent, and right at home on my own two feet, over 15 years ago. I was living in a tee-pee with zero dollars in my wallet and zero fucks to give! I have always found strength and independence in Colorado. It had a very special place in my heart and likewise I know I too had a special place in it’s heart… for the way it kept calling me home to it. Like it had never forgotten me all those year previous as I sang to the moon living in that teepee alone… reading The Midsts of Avalon” by candlelight and singing some of the most beautiful songs that have ever come out of me… heard only by the stray chipmunk or …fellow “way-ward” tumbleweeds…

Funny thing about tumble weeds… they are nature’s very own road bums. Travel addicts… and they are in fact even more rebellious and way-word run-of=the-mill train-scamp or cow-girl school bus pilot… simply because where they go, they don’t even need roads! Yes they are the proud outcasts of the plant world alright, the starry eyed shapeshifting rule breakers… the dare I say, Jezebel wanderers of their usually rooted sisters!

We would take our sweet- ass time arriving in Colorado… because after-all, while the event gave us a general direction and purpose to our adventure… it was in truth the mere act of breaking free that held the most power… and I well knew this. But go through the motions we must. And boy what fun was it.

On the way to Colorado we visited some friends I’ve met over the years… lots of STRONG sister women and dogs seemed to be the theme! 

Jen Ward, the healer and teacher I spoke of that I feel is one of the GREATEST TEACHERS ALIVE ON PLANET EARTH who lives in Rochester, NY was the very first stop.

I owe Jen Ward my life. It was she that helped me the most to see so clearly all that I do… She has created a LANGUAGE of understanding that continues to inform me to this day in DECODING what I am PERCEIVING with my SUBTLE SENSES when I Perceive in Energy.

It is SHE who has empowered me and given me the tools to refine my articulation and it was She who helped me the most also in understanding Martina. She is certainly the most powerful teacher I have EVER met in how fiercely she upholds the shift towards Uplifting Humanity. Check her out Here.

Following our fortifying visit with Jen was a few stops at some pretty lakes, including Lake Michigan, some RV parks, a stop in Iowa to visit our friend Ashley, and a quick stop to visit a very strong woman I met at a Jen Ward retreat by the name of Cathy. 

Cathy has a grandson named Kolton, who is a lot like Martina. Both these children were helped tremendously by Jen. Martina had a LOT of speech delays that seemed to vanish after one workshop with Jen. Both these children, Kolton and Martina have a lot in common… Gentle, sweet, kind, but FIERCELY uncompromising about maintining the 5D. These children Are so inspirational and sometimes beyond our limited scope of understanding, because we witness souls as pure as Kolton and Martina, and assume they need protecting by how vulnerable they seem, in all that innocent sweetness. I assume it’s because of our conditioning to equate sweet and pure with vulnerable and weak. But they are not susceptible to either. My partner Eli and I have called Martina a “spiritual badass” before, because though she is so pure and sweet, if anyone approaches her with any kind of condescending vibration in the least that diminishes her, whether it be a school aged peer, a grown up, or a creepy relative wanting non-consensual attention or affection- she senses their demeanor in energy- and she WILL not talk to them. She leaves them hanging. Maintaining Golden Space that she holds and guards like a Ninja! She refuses to come into any 3D agreements. It’s incredible… For Cathy and I raised in the era of politeness used as a tool of manipulators and enablers… it’s downright INSPIRING To see how fiercely they uphold the 5 D paradigm, uncompromisingly. These kids are truly setting the bar for the new world. They are, FIERCELY innocent. So it was fortifying, to say the least to bring these two souls together for the quick visit.

The drive was long and there were many times that I simply was exhausted by the 7-8 hour stretches, despite waking up and doing yoga and Buddhist chanting nearly every morning. Nebraska was a tough drive. 

Before we left Cathys, she gave us an incredible Harley Davidson jacket, which I gave to Zoe. It made sense that she got this jacket because Zoe was my Co-Pilot for the WHOLE trip! She was my Wing-Woman. It was she who would help me check the oil in Banjo. It was she who would feed me snacks from the Bus when I was facing VERY long drives and didn’t want to stop. It was she. Zoe cherishes that jacket, it’s so her and fits her like a glove. My bad-ass warrior. That girl is a champ, and she does it with so much BEAUTY, HUMOR, and artistic Style for Miles.

Most road folks will tell you that those long flat states with barely any scenery that just go on for miles and miles are mind numbing. If it weren’t for Zoe, my imagination and music, it would have been harder still.  It was the middle of summer and we had no air-conditioning. The bus with all it’s amenities proved very comfortable other than the occasional heat, but that wasn’t really an issue till we got to Nevada and Utah. Occasionally we’d see a body of some pool of water and I’d direct the kids to jump in! With wet hair, we’d hit the road and be off again, much cooler than before!

Being on the road as a somewhat single mom and two kids with a 1990 school bus, there were times I was praying the bus wouldn’t break down. “Please just make it to Colorado!” I kept uttering, on my way out there. I knew in Colorado a family who looks after me and loved me awaited. I knew once I got to Colorado somehow I’d be SAFE. Of course Banjo, the flying Lupos Bambino was Solid as fuck. She is a warrior and incredible! She has never failed me.

At one point in Nebraska a man at a truck stop said to me as I was filling up, “Wolf Children Life? Who are you supposed to be… Little Red Riding Hood?!” I responded, “No, I’m the Big Bad Wolf… but we’re in Cahoots.”

When we got to Colorado, to Conviviality, sure enough we were greeted by the loving arms of an-ever expanding family of bad-ass creative, renegade love-muppets who adore us! They rolled out the red carpet for us and took such good care of the kids and I! Likewise, I taught yoga, cooked food for people, drove a gang of 11 of us to a near-by swimming hole… we swam, danced, laughed and laughed, cried, painted and made music for 3 blissful days with that UBER-Creative family! I think in part, the reason why on this emancipation journey the carrot and Launching pad for me was Colorado was because A. (as mentioned) I LOVE me some Colorado… but B. I clung to the memory of Jake as one of my angels, due to that moment on the ship where he proved to be SUCH a true friend, and I took SOLACE in that comfort. Jake had also been on his own Phoenix Hero’s journey… many times over. So it makes sense that it was a launchpad of sorts for my new life and for MY Sheroe’s Wolf Woman’s Journey.

Some of the Pictures below were taken by Andrew Wyatt and his partner Greta. Click here to be taken to his site.

After that. A new friend Ed took us to Boulder to see what had become of it. I was. Disappointed. To be honest. The hippies sold out, what can I say. What used to be a sweet little haven of a soulful hippy town, was now corrupted by overpriced hipster bars, restaurants, boutiques, oxygen bars! And women in stilettos parading their small dogs in Prada handbags down the boulevards. But I suppose humans, no matter how idealist, are corrupted easily, because while they can so often plainly see the devil outside themselves… few work hard to see the devil inside…

Chapter 7

Off to NeverLand!! 

After a sweet goodbye to Ed and the others, we took off towards Quincy, California. The Journey takes you through some of the MOST beautiful Mountain passes on this Earth, straight through the Rockies. I cry every. Single. Blessed Time. It’s a spiritual experience. I’ve had so many dreams!!! Of being a Holy Lama inside some of those Caves along those Rocky Mountain Passes!

On the way we stopped at the regenerative Mystic Hot Springs, (which happens to be the PERFECT halfway point between Boulder and Quincy) for a deep soulful SOAK in those Healing mineral waters.

When we got to Quincy we were looked after. Taken care of, but not by who we thought we’d be. I guess I had really grown spiritually in the past couple months, because well, especially after reveling in the loving arms of our Screaming J’s family for the last week, it was quite the disparity to arrive at my once beloved Hippy Fiasco Family and realize it wasn’t much of a “family” at all. In fact it felt like that family was so consumed in their own stuff that they hardly noticed us little Wolflings who had come so far, at all.

 But. I am a bad ass mama wolf, and I make lemonade pretty damn well. So we made new friends. We were actually SEEN by a sweetheart teddy bear pirate parking attendant immediately upon arrival. 

On seeing our bus he said, “Banjo! Well where are YOU GUYS from? Massachusetts! Well all be a monkey’s uncle!! You little ladies come out here on your own with your mom a LOOOONG WAY!?! How cool!! Listen, why don’t I set you up in VIP family camping next to this cool family I know of, that have a swimming pool they brought!” It was love at first sight. The family they he put us next to ended up becoming fast friends with us. It was 2 mamas, and 3 girls! Plus our two made 5. 7 strong women. We were independent and we were in FLOW, so everything worked out better than we could have actually hoped for! 

Our neighbors little girl served as 2-year old angelic cherub reminder of just how much family awaits everywhere we go. We’d often wake up to her knocking on our bus’s doors to say “Bus! Bus!” And letting in this little snuggle muffin was like having my tiny soulful niece with me! She loved Banjo, as all Wolf Children do, and she’d be in there taking pictures of her feet with my phone while I was outside the bus doing yoga! I had over 70 pictures of her feet when we left!! Her cousin Sierra was also a little Goddess PirateJoy and the girls enjoyed a talent show with the two where Martina Sang “One Day” and won a very nice Wooden carved High Sierra Token! I made it all about the girls and we saw circus performances, incredible parades! Walked on slack ropes, and Zoe took to Cooking in Banjo for everyone near our camp!

 Of everyone we knew to be “family” out there that we came to see, I’d say the only person that showed us any real respect was Lech.

"Mama, Mama! We just bumped into Lech!" My girls said between mouthfuls of fair-grounds sticky 

buns and bar-B-Que. Their fingers and mouths covered in the evidence of such festival delights, "He said to tell you," my oldest gasped, winded from running, summoning up her best southern drawl,

"'Now tell your mom, that we're playin a secret set down by the Bitchin Kitchins, and theirs gunna be a southern crawfish boil, and not to miss it!' Can we go, can we go!?"

 I love it. Not only did Lech recognize my girls, but he told them to bring me to his set. Lech and I became fast friends on Jam Cruise a few years back when we were havin some REAL talk about women’s empowerment and inequality in the festival and music scene. The Honey Drops stayed at our house before after playin a sold out show in Boston.

Having just driven "Banjo" our noble stead and chariot, with my girls across the country alone, all the way to Colorado for some music family reunions there, to Mystic Hot springs, and now to California here... it was beyond a relief to have some family to come home to here.

Upon arriving to the Bitchin Kitchen's... which incidentally was a stone's throw from where our Banjo bus made a home for the weekend, we were greeted warmly by the whole band. The girls sat right up front, under that packed tent amongst the happy festival goers, as the smells of scents of southern seafood wafted in the air. The show was set admits the majestic pines towering high amongst the mountainous sunset backdrop. It was a beautiful unique scene to behold. The girls were unabashed, witnessing the charisma, charm, and talent that is the California Honeydrops. No one makes you feel more loose, accepted, and uninhibited than these boys.

As they proceeded to do their thing, my girls floated perfectly on their newly giddy resplendent wings to the music with plastered grins and eyes full of sunshine and new beginnings! The kind that said that this moment would surely shape their lives in some small or great way. It was a sight to behold, and it was a moment that epitomized to me that I had accomplished my mission. To give these girls a true taste of COURAGE, FREEDOM, Strength, and the MAGIC we can find in this world if we are bold enough to leap... on our own... and that YES there exists loving arms that will indeed catch you a million times over, if you are that strong... because those found in those realms have leapt themselves too, but a million times themselves.

My royal warrior princesses... 
 I hung back side stage watching all this tearfully, as the moment gleefully unfolded, and I was proud. Proud of my strength. Proud of what I had accomplished on my own. I understood then that we are all but paupers to the naked eye... and that it takes a very special kind of earned vision to properly SEE the true hidden figure Princes and Queens that shape this world and spin hay to Gold creating all the magic this world weilds...

 Yes, Place a certain kind of quartz crystal monocle to your third-eye and suddenly the diamonds in the rough become crystal clear... But that vision must be earned... 

I beamed so bright, right then and there with that smile and those great eyes I have at seeing... and felt such gratitude it spilled over and filled the cups of all around until the whole place was lit up in that love's glow... knowing what this moment was and meant. True Heaven.

 It was at this point, that beyond any such corruption of hierarchy, we felt like the Queens WE WERE, and respected as such. AND THAT IS WHY CREDIT and recognition of the DIVINE FEMININE IS SO IMPORTANT. IT FEEDS your Angels. Thank you Lech. And This moment... the moment that we live and work for... the basking glow of a job well done. It was the ambrosia of all our efforts and toil come to fruition. It was dense, saturating us, preparing us for more work ahead... filling us so. That moment when time and space cease for a resplendent moment to show you the fruit of your labor... to taste it... 

It is THE MOMENT when Troubadours and Love become one in those mystic mythic reunions, that seem never planned but truly spontaneous. The Mountain. As I basked there thinking that this nectar-of-the-gods filled moment could not be more splendidly perfect as I stood beside the ghost... of an old love... a dedication to Martina and Zoe unfurled.

 At this moment, Lech looks to my girls and says something to the effect of... "Now there are two very special little girls who have come a long, long way with their mom, and this one is for them... " He even invited them to come up, but they were feeling perfect where they stood... so instead he just proceeded to sing them the song. It was "Pumpkin Pie.” 

 "Won't you save all your pumpkin pie... won't you save all your pumpkin pie just for meeeeee girl! Don't you give none away... if they ask you for a slice.. feed them some beans and rice... yes save all your cherry jam just for meee girl!"

 The song in truth is about saving all the right kind of lovin for that special man... but sweet innocent Martina has always loved that song simply because she absolutely loves pumpkin pie... itself! So it's become an endearing bond her and Lech share. We once taped Martina at age 5 singing the song to herself as she played and sent Lech a copy... and on her 7th birthday their dad recorded an impromptu one from a High Sierra that Lech sent back to her! And just as the audience bemused at the sort of inside joke that seemed to float above the heads of the innocent present, the innocent bemused with patience, as they held the greater understanding of a loving journey that required greater comprehension still.

The festival was life-affirming for my daughters and I… 

The only other friend from my past that made me feel a little at home and gave me homage was when Brad Barr serenaded us with the gentlest and soulful-est of lullabye-rebellions that any looming mock-authority figures have ever seen! When the festival was trying to shut down an “illegal” set that Surprise Me Mr. Davis tried to put on… out of THOUSANDS of possible songs they could have selected, Brad chose the ones I included in my story, “Big Boats and Lost Boys…” to play admits the protests of said mock-authority figures. YOU see. I have been the “LOCK” To a LOT of Musician’s “KEY” before… It IS the SACRED (Largely UNRECOGNIZED) DANCERS and MUSES that INSPIRE- that helps BIRTH the CONCRETE songs.But in this world it is only the “Key” work that gets credit, because SHE is largely too abstract for HIS Story. And that is the truth. It is is purposeful degradation of “Women’s Work.”

YES. It was a life-affirming LOVE letter to my heart… of THANKS for my work from him.

Could it have been more direct? YES. A million times more so. BUT This eye-opening trip where I was sailing my Own Ship was about RECLAIMING my own VALIDATION whether males OR the patriarchal paradigm does so or not.

 Chapter 8

Doubt

When the girls and I left High Sierra, my cup was full but in truth my heart was melancholy as it always is to leave the preverbal, “Mountain” …the Valley of Valhalla!  The land of Milk and honey where warriors gather… to leave the bright family of sisters “where there’s a fire there! And it’s their singing!” Oh yes. Sorrow-filled indeed I was, to leave and I still at that time had not learned to make my ENTIRE LIFE, so light-filled… so there was longing. 

(Author’s note reporting from the FUTURE, aka Now, aka 2020 vision: When you smash a hole through the glass ceiling you put on yourself that tells you that life can only be “this” great, and that all “this” other bullshit of oppression over here- is just par for the course- when you smash through that cap we put on our lives, and make ALL OUR LIFE RESPECT-WORTHY and JOY-FILLED- suddenly you don’t need escape anymore. At that point you are no longer a “Weekend warrior.” Your life suddenly becomes consistent from beginning to end… and you don’t NEED festivals, and gatherings you certainly no longer NEED to “blow off steam” because other parts of your life lack so much.

When we start to move towards the life we choose… that has zero parts of it that are painful, or where you are settling…. You don’t feel melancholy leaving even the most incredible gatherings… in fact. And it is because your life at home is JUST AS GREAT if not BETTER. I’d venture to say my life is ABSOLUTELY sweeter NOW in it’s entirety than any of those old high moments on “the mountain” that I used to feel. My life now IS the MOUNTAIN. All of it. I AM the Peaceful MOUNTAIN. If I go to events… it’s less to ride on the high and more to BRING the LIGHT and Grounding myself. My treat tends to be when I GO HOME, in truth. To my incredibly nourishing world of PEACE. Of Love and Light. Home to My garden.)

So yes, I was full of sadness, sorrow, and longing that this great HIGH Sierra was over…

Not only that… BUT. My next stop was picking up my “kids’ dad…” (as he was becoming to be named.) To say that I was looking forward to seeing him on this here EMANCIPATION journey of my soul to reclaim myself and heed the call I had stifled out for too long… would have been of course a lie. 

But, he wanted to see his kids. It had been 3 weeks and so he was to come with us to Yosemite and then the coast… up to Oregon, and then to Yellowstone. I agreed. This wouldn’t have been so bad if we had both more fully come to grips with the fact that our marriage was most definitely O-V-E-R… but because we both hadn’t… (HE- too determined to win me back, and I- too full of guilt and confused myself to make it clear to him that this was a futile impossible feat… ) it was going to be a painful leg of the trip. No doubt about it. And no amount of promising each other we would not discuss how our relationship stood in front of the kids, was going to make the awkward tension disappear. 

As I had imagined, from the moment we picked him up from his fancy hotel in Sacramento, I felt myself slipping into the old shell of a girl who puts her wolf to sleep, and goes numb oto a life not her own... Give me the Glory of The dirty Road any day! Just please don’t put me behind four clean walls again. Not a booth, not no walls, cut me loose, let me be free! Or let me die. And that’s just how I felt…

Yes we went to the beautiful Yosemite, drank the spring waters of Mt Shasta, smoked pot in Humboldt, surfed in Santa Cruz, Got Lost in The Red Woods, Then drove Up the coast of Oregon on our Merry way… each place more beautiful than the next. YES, Fruition put us on the guest list for the North West String Summit…  all of it was a blur.

All of it shadowed by the elephant in the room. 

The whole time he sulked. I ignored. I made lemonade …for the kids.

After String Summit… 

I finally broke down in the Craters of the AoooOOooOooO Moon Indian trail caves in Idaho… It was IN THOSE CAVES that the Wolf Woman FINALLY began to STIR… and courage was re-ignited and gained… 

Later at the heavenly Katterskills Hot springs in Idaho, between the STEAMING hot mineral water and the FREEZING cold glacier water… the WOLF was enlivened further still!! Take a Look…

The caves and the springs, they SHOOK HER. And Maha Shakti Mother Wolf spoke:

She had a clear message for ME. She said, “Stop pretending. Your wolflings are suffering.”

And that’s all she had to say, because she was right. I couldn’t pretend to be a big happy family anymore. The children felt the tension.

Finally in Wyoming, at Yellowstone, with Glory Be Gaia giving me courage ALL AROUND, remembering how… REINTRODUCING THE WOLVES RESTORED BALANCE to all the inhabitant at Yellowstone!!!- I clearly told him he had to leave our trip.

I summoned the courage after chanting and praying furiously that this would go well. 

THS TRIP was supposed to be for My Girls and I.

It was hard, but it would have been harder for us to keep going the way we were with so much tension and sorrow.

With WISDOM I led him to reason, to see how the kids were suffering, and how it was in all honesty, ruining this trip for them.

He agreed to leave and I drove him to the airport at Yellowstone at once.

My Wolf said I couldn’t wait. 

Finally we could breathe again. We went back to Colorado with the Tetons on our right hand side, essentially making the VOYAGE a perfect loop. One Giant Circle. Like a Spell Cast. And We were on our own again. Happy Free. Looking back at that time in my life, it’s AMAZING HOW much being around skeptics and desecrators takes out of you. After a near LIFETIME of carrying that weight… and then FINALLY giving myself PERMISSION to let it go… It was like suddenly releasing a 5,000 lb weight, I was LIGHT AS A FEATHER. And Glowing.

After a few days of soaking in some Hot Springs in Colorado we were ready to make our journey back home to the Northeast. 

On our way, we made a pit stop to my childhood home, in Missouri!

It wasn’t until I got to Narragansett, RI for a family reunion, and our yearly beach vacation with my mom, dad, sister, and her kids, along with the occasional relative- that I saw how much I had grown and what a disparity there was with my family. The beach is always a refuge to me. The Ocean.

But there was so much I was pretending not to see with my family… and with my new eyes… I saw A WHOLE LOT of Lemons. Ones revolving on just how dysfunctional my birth family is. A WHOLE LOT of abuse via SEVERE boundary crossing, under-mining, guilting, and Obligation as a means to mask… all wrapped in one big pretend happy family! Don’t get me wrong, I love my family… I was just realizing that there is a WHOLE lot that just doesn’t mean.

Chapter 9

CURVEBALL!

After we left that happy barrel of laughs of a dysfunctional family reunion, we headed for CurveBall. In truth, I was over it. I love Phish. Phish is made up by musicians who likewise have also sworn to serve. They are boys who listen to their hearts and follow nudges, boys who dip into that primordial finger-painting with their key with the help of MANY MANY nameless Locks… who OPEN the veil. They were having a Giant summer festival and we had purchased the tickets before I had taken my journey our West with the Girls. I love Phish, but I was tired. In truth I was overflowing with the joy of a woman who has FINALLY taken the first steps at reclaiming her life… and it all felt… superfluous to go. The kids’ dad was coming. We had always been closest in our connection through music, and Phish was no exception. So that’s why we had originally tacked on this crazy festival on top of all the travel. But it wasn’t fulfilling me anymore. It wasn’t serving to linger in the Nostalgia of an old home place.

The festival was supposed to take place in The Finger Lakes of Upstate New York. 

Well what the hell do you expect when you name a festival Curve Ball boys?! Don’t ya know you’re casting a spell??

We rolled up and should have known from the start. It was raining for DAYS and Banjo got stuck in the MUD just past the festival gates when a little Karen- an over zealous festival worker was confused as to whether our short bus was an RV or fine for car camping. I tried explaining to her, that Banjo fits into a regular parking spot and that we had no tent to set up besides, like all the other “Car campers,” not to mention we’ve been to dozens of festivals with her, and never had anyone say shit about her parking in car camping. But, overzealous authoritarian power-trippin old paradigm gaurds will be. So even though 4 other workers thought Banjo was just fine in Car camping- she chased after us and made us pull over in the mud so she could play her power trip game and play with her Gate-bullshit walkie talkies to call her “superiors” so she could feel superior. Yeah you get REAL good at understanding whats up when you perceive in energy. And that’s exactly where Banjo got stuck in the mud. And I should Not have listened to anyone power-trippin about MY RIG to pull over when I KNEW. BUT I LEARNED a LIFE LESSON about my RIG that day. About Man-splainers even if they are in female bodies, and I learned never to do that again.

I learned to LISTEN TO MY INTUITION and GUT NO MATTER WHAT.

Well lucky for them they had a tow tractor on site for just these types of moments of self-inflicted shit-show. Then they told us “No bikes.”

We love bike-riding. Bike riding at festivals is one of my family’s GREATEST joys. So you’re telling me that in 100 degrees on an AIR FIELD in August with barely any trees, you’re out-lawing bikes?! So we can’t get from point A to point Z in ease, grace, style, and FUN!? Shit.

Well once we were FINALLY settled in our spot, we get news from our neighbors who we were SURE were just pullin our legs…

The Whole Festival is CANCELLED. WHAT?! Never in my life have I showed up day of an event and had it cancelled on the spot. The town shut it down. Shut that Shit-Show Down! Literally for shitty water. Apparently all the flooding and raining contaminated the water supply, and now all the water was unsafe. WOW. I felt bad. But it somehow felt… right. What I really felt bad for is the weekend warriors who spend all year working their asses off just to blow off steam for one weekend that paid a lot of money to fly, rent RV’s, get booze… oh wait… no I don’t. 

The whole purpose of this healing journey I’m describing to you is to explain that IF YOU MAKE YOUR LIFE A GOLDEN HEAVEN, then guess what?! You DON’T NEED TO ESCAPE YOUR SHITTY LIFE to blow off steam. Don’t go blowing your load all over everything. That’s called desecration central. Shift to REVERENCE instead… And to all those escaping facing that maybe there may very well be some conflict that MUST be had to address some change that must be made, so you CAN smash your glass ceilings and LIVE THE LIFE YOU LOVE… wake up and do it!! But who am I to judge, I was JUST starting to see this myself… that though I made GLORIOUS Lemonade via philanthropy, yoga, activism, and loving change EVERYWHERE I went… with reverence I too in some weird way was just… well, escaping, from Growing my own heaven in its entirety. 

So where the fuck to now?

Chapter 10

Home

We got a call from our friends Will and Kelly, who helped found the Ginger Libation company up in the Greenfield, Massachusetts area. Will and Kelly had rented out Camp Keewanee for the weekend for a private party they were throwing for all their friends, and they said we’d be sort of their “Curveball refugees.” 

 How fitting that after YEARS of doing refugee work, here I was getting this sign from spirit that it was MY TURN to be a cared for refugee! My turn to get healing back! Once I finally allowed MYSELF to receive some of the Fruit and KARMA of my labor!

And Ah… Camp Keewanee in Greenfield Mass, home of my 2 favorite festivals, tiny little Wormtown Trading Festival and Strangecreek which just so happens every year here in May and September. This place and those festivals are beloved to me and my girls for it’s small size, the fact that the rest of the year it serves as a summer camp for kids on the spectrum- filling it with a sort of purity, and for the wild trails we bike around on, and the river running through it that we BASK in sunshine Glory on!! Oh Camp Keewanee… You’ve always been my home, and my favorite.  And guess what? Bikes!!!

Western Mass is a place I’ve always been drawn to. I sort of… forgot about what a SANCTUARY western Mass has always been.

When Will and Kelly placed the call it felt right to all of us. So off we went to make lemonade…. or well, Lemon-Ginger Libation True Blue Rescue-aid!

It was there that it happened. Part of the intention for the exodus of the trip was not just for me to free myself but also to create a HAPPY LIFE for my family.  A blossoming one. We were looking for a new home where we could ALL BE HAPPY, post-divorce should our path take us that way, where we could HAPPILY co-parent. 

When we arrived on those grounds something felt like HOME. I knew instantly when I was in the river. The girls and I biked down and no one else was there but us. I am used to this blissful spot being FULL to the brim with lovers, hippies, accordion players, people in lobster suits, penguin costumes, Jerry the Giraffe! (My friend Caitlyn’s life size giraffe.) And endless blissed out indigo and rainbow kids of all kinds… but here… it was peaceful and quiet… and yet. There was a presence. And that presence said, “THIS is YOUR HOME LARA.” 

I had been dreaming of Colorado, of Humboldt, of Santa Cruz, of Oregon, of all the places we had been to, looking for my home. My home was Massachusetts all along and I didn’t know it UNTIL THAT MOMENT. 

“Sometime you have to walk a very long way to arrive to a short distance correctly”

(This Zoo Story quote by Edward Albee came to heart.)

At this private event were friends Jason and I both knew and loved. IT reminded us both of what a treasure trove was right there all along in western Mass. We looked at each other and after that weekend we both knew we wanted to start looking for a new home in Western Mass. Where we were currently living in Upton had served our life well for 13 years, but not any longer, and we all felt it.

Following that weekend, for the next couple months we spent a few glorious weekends there with friends, biking trails, going to concerts in Noho, walking on endless trails with the Wolfies… and we kept saying to each other- “We live here now!” We were filled with delight and peace. Northampton is a treasure of culture, music, dancing, art, and good food and soul. Amherst permeates an essence of youth and education with it’s 5 colleges and progressive values. With Western Mass’s values for conservation there are ENDLESS waterfalls, trails, and bodies of water, swimming holes, and mountains that we are STILL discovering, 2 years later…

The Curveball we got thrown to Camp Keewanee that August sealed the deal. Part of the trip was to figure out where we could move to start our new life. Things moved so quick after that. We moved to a house in Amherst in January of 2019, just 5 months later, still with hope that perhaps therapy would help. It didn’t. We really tried. Really we did.

We had talked about it candidly, that the Amherst house felt more like Jason’s home. It was truly a perfect home for him to raise the girls part-time. We moved into that home in January, the girls had settled into the school system nicely, and by June, 1 month before our divorce was final, I had moved out and into Banjo while I looked for my own place. 

Come to the Church on the hill…. Come to the little church…

One night in May… Just 2 months before our divorce was final… I made a phone call to an old friend balling. I had been chanting and praying for months for a place for me. She was compassionate, and offered that her ex-landlord was selling his house, only 20 minutes away from the girls’ dad’s. I had to get out of the Amherst house. I wanted a happy life and I wanted it YESTERDAY!

The house turned out to be the most perfect cottage I could have ever DREAMED of. It WAS straight from my dreams.

I was DRAWN to it, and it was DRAWING ME into this LIFE, this LIFE that has been waiting for me FOREVER to begin!

This life that my WOLF kept pointing me towards all along. And I couldn’t be happier. I listened to every call… and every time I even looked in the wrong direction, knowing I was FINALLY READY to be happy, this FORCE SET me straight. Back on my path.

BEAUTIFUL things started coming TO me so quickly from that moment on. My Life was excited to Gift me back with all the LOVE I had sown for so long. And I was finally accepting!!

It was at my April Fools Gathering that I met Eli, (in person anyway) when we became fast comrades… He was to become one of my greatest champions and sacred partners. In truth I DID NOT NEED A MAN. I was WHOLE complete on my own. “Spirit is my only soul mate!” I used to say always back then and leading up to the divorce. It was only then that Spirit informed me that “one whose soul mate is ALSO only Spirit, is coming.”

You can read about that magical eerie Re-union and how SERENDIPITOUSLY PREORDAINED it was HERE. (as an interlude if you wish.)

I moved into Banjo that June with Faith before even having ANY security, just KNOWING I was on the right path, with no home on land… knowing that Spirit would protect me. We got the house of course! I had looked at only one other, and had “lost it” because it was wasn’t the one.

Instead… THIS HOUSE was what was meant to be MY SANCTUARY. That’s what we call it. The WOLF CHILDREN LIFE SANCTUARY.

11 acres… 9 acres of Wild Conservation land, and 2 more that our home and gardens sit on.

Martina, who also follows the signs had had not just an incredible vivid dream about THIS being the TRUE house, but also about Eli and Bronco becoming a part of our new life in it about a month before we were told about it… after Eli and I had JUST become comrades!

Of course the old me would have been RACKED with guilt about becoming so happy so fast… especially with a new partner so fast. I felt all this, of course, but instead of letting these feelings take over and letting them keep me from the LIFE that so CLEARLY was PAINTING ME! CHOOSING ME! Giving me a MILLION signs of encouragement towards them… I listened to my Wolf.

And she said,

“Nah girl… It’s Time. It’s time for YOU to be happy. Nothing about you is basic. And your life will NEVER follow the same Laws of physics!

Your WOLFIES will understand and you will help them understand.”

And so I did.

The dream Martina had, helped her understand a lot. My daughters and I are TIGHT. they KNOW EVERYTHING I have been through. WE do not lie to our children. We tell our children the TRUTH. Our bond is a strong one.

So… What could me more perfect for my Wolfies and me than to call this new wonderful Home and perfect place …our Wolf Children Sanctuary?

I did it. My life is my own, and I broke free not just for myself but for all Divine Feminine everywhere. I followed the call. The Wolf Call… Because I would have been a hypocrite not to. I followed every sign… So I could live a LIFE OF INTEGRITY. Where I felt RESPECTED. A Life of DIGNITY, true to NO ONE but ME. My own moral compass. 

For me the signs in the form of the VAST OCEAN took me to the underbelly understanding of who I was. 

The Ocean and the signs in form of Boats took me back to my watery womb.

 And reminded me of the woman I was. It held me and rocked me and told me YES I CAN. 

From there, the Wolf signs came… and SHE helped me reclaim my fierce boundaries. I inherited the blueprint from my FIERCE Masculine Brothers. And that helped me be FIERCE about upholding them. It was SHE, my Wolf that lead me to my long lost Sacred Partner, she led me right to him. If I were to read this story I too might be skeptical… but if you read my stories you know that I just follow the signs, believe it or not. I don’t care anymore.

Once the Wolf  theme really emerged and blossomed… there was no looking back. There was no stopping me. 

IT’s been a year now as I type this since we re-settled in Western Mass with all its ABUNDANCE.

They call THIS PLACE… The “Happy Valley:”

YES. THIS. Is the Room of the Wolf-Mother's Wahl-Papers.

No~Ho's Happy Valley Hills... ha...

AKA Where FED up BITCHES came because they were DONE with disrespect, No-hos. And FINISHED with Boundary Crossings. 

It was HERE they Yowled... ENOUGH! 

And RECLAIMED themselves. 

This is the place Gaia calls her Wolves. THIS IS the place Bad-Ass Lesbians made their GRAND stand. What other place in the US do you know of that can proudly be called one of "the Lesbian founding capitols of the world!?" 

(Sure New York has its “Queens” ...vibrant Miami... Province Town Out in your face, flamboyant, and unafraid of bullshit... as THEIR way to heal...)

 But these bad-ass bitches were called to places like Seattle and Northampton where it's COLD… Where WOLVES are SLINKY hidden in the hills... watching like Ninjas... where we can be left alone... Where it's Burly winters keep you close to the HEARTH of the Wolf Mother's warm Red Flower …in that room, "Come in, it's warm inside." -Evie Morrison

YES. This is the room where the books found me. And it's no wonder that in this place I was called to lick ALL my wounds...

For THIS is the room where the Wahl!paper begins to heal. 

For even The DOORS had been ripped to shreds with the boundary crossings and disrespect that ALL SISTERS endure... for I am EVERY woman... and the door, well, the door was LEFT reduced nearly to a pile of toothpicks... when I arrived here... ones in which blood and bone hung to them... and it wasn't only because those BASTARDS of systemic patriarchy were tearin at the doors from the outside...always thinking they could come and go as they pleased to just TAKE what they wanted… till those MIGHTY LOCKS came to uphold the Sacred Temple Gates.

No... the door was ripped to shreds also from HER WOLF tearin from the INSIDE trying to be LET LOOSE. Wishing to RIP free... WILD, UNTAMED... RUN to the WOODS... Wishing to TEAR at those bastards LIMB By Holy LIMB of the Yoga Sutras....

Yes, most of the damage was from the inside.

SO. This is the room where the splintered door begins to HEAL... becoming lacquered  again and dripping with honey...  and then allows passage ONLY to her MOST reverent of lover... her self... 

Banjo Bus was and Always will be my SHero. She saved me.

She, as my SACRED DIVINE brother Jared has said, “Was a BLUE print” for my new life. 

She was my escape hatch and my rock. And she’s sittin out in my dirt driveway looking as blissful and Queenly as ever! She is my QUEEN! AND continues to carry us on incredible adventures. She is a beloved family member and will ALWAYS be revered. 

She is my Pirate Ship, my flying time-machine, my Appa, and my Vessel to NeverLand all in one. 

Always will be. And one day when vines of wild flowers are blossoming around my beloved, and the Heavenly Lotus Flowers and MANDARAVA Blossoms of ALL kinds are raining down on her… she will be a SHRINE to FREEDOM. 

There is nothing quite like a girl and her Bus. 

What I learned was this. It’s never too late to make the life of your DREAMS come true. There is no cap or glass ceiling to happiness, and you should in no way be escaping or settling JUST on breadcrumbs, when you could be FEASTING on Sustenance. Instead let the breadcrumbs like this story LEAD you HOME.

Don’t fill up, instead release, make room. When you make room by releasing the shit that is weighing you down, you make S P A C E for spirit to fill with only the EXCEPTIONAL PEOPLE and LIFE WAITING FOR YOU. You RAISE THE BAR on how you should always be treated.

The people you think are going to be there for you to help you when you fall, rarely are. And the people who helped you when you fell aren’t even the same people who later help you when you Soar!  The people who you THINK it’s going to be, are merely the place holders for the VERY REAL people who will catch you and guide you, and be there to fill your life up. So don’t be attached to form. End the pain cycle of abuse. It is possible. The new life of YOUR DESIGN is waiting for you!!

It’s always been my dream to live a simple, pure life. I live in a cottage with my Wolf Children now. We are always in contact with nature, and the elements. It is a direct connection with Gaia, living the way we do. Our gardens are prolific. My whole life I have worked my ass off to help others, and to create healing in the world. Now it is my turn.

I was finally ready for healing. I asked for help and it has come. I couldn’t be happier. I encourage ALL to follow their TRUE path. Ours, as women is a powerful sojourn of the Heart to RETURN to our WOLF WOMAN Birthright. We undoubtedly have heavier boots whose bootstraps can be pulled up.

Don’t let anything get in the way of that! She is Hungry, she is waiting, she is GLORIOUS.


GOOD LUCK!

Acknowledgements and Credit Are very important to me.

I am attempting to break the mold on how to go about PROPERLY thanking all the hidden figures by revering the Sacred “Keys” and “Locks” BOTH that aligned for this piece to be written. 

“Key” is a word pertaining to a device that Opens Doors… It is also the word for a letter on a typewriter… or in more modern times in words such as “key board.” “Keys” is also what the black and white pedals and levers on a piano that one pushes to make the sound of notes come out is called. Pushes… like a baby is pushed into this world.

“Key” is also what I personally call the VISIBLE, concrete, Tangible Body of Work that gets BIRTHED that can be seen, read, touched, heard… with the senses. The “breadcrumbs” of wisdom that sages and poets, storytellers, and artists leave as documented records… like a record tracks, like a wolf tracks… to lead others “HOME,” are what I call “Keys.” As in, “It was the Key to my enlightenment!” 

These are the keys …that Open DOORS of WISDOM… Doors of Opportunity, by educating the SPIRIT …so others may REMEMBER what so many of us have forgotten.

The one who is gifted with the many “Keys” is the Gate Keeper.

But then there is the hole the Key fits into! In patriarchal verbiage this has been reduced to the word- “Lock.”

To mean Keep in chains! …to mean “lock her up!” BUT. Just as Mary Daly has pointed about how language has been bastardized to subjugate the Divine Feminine… as she states in example that: a body of wild green wild space in a city has been reduced to the word “park” - meaning to keep static and stuck… or a nature “preserve” to mean keep embalmed and static… When in reality SHE is Wild, SHE is FREE, SHE is UNTAMED!

But the Sacred “Locks…” that are the Holy Vessels in which Sacred Wisdom is Contained… the Sang Real… the Holy Grail… the blood line chalice… THEY are simply a the SACRED SPACE that is HELD for SACRED KEYS to fit perfectly into… and they keep the sacred temple places protected when some desecrator comes to the door, sighs dis-suaded, and says… “Oh no… it’s locked.”

To the Reverent a lock is merely a tiny code that requires the proper KEY to un-lock… to OPEN. 

Wisdom and… spoiler alert! REVERENCE is what is needed to acquiesce both. WISDOM and REVERENCE is BOTH Key and LOCK.

Only together the code is cracked.

The one who is gifted Locks is the Gate Keeper.

How can the Gate Keeper be BOTH Key and Lock? Well… because One is the Masculine form, and one is Feminine. 

One is the concrete visible work… while the other has been made in this Society- MUCH less tangible.

“Muse,” “inspiration”- are words that DO not do “lock-work” justice. 

If a lock is the vessel for the Key, SHE then IS THE HOLY WOMB… while the key is the baby that is born from their Union. 

One can not be birthed without the other. My intention is to encourage IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS that BREAK MOLDS, FEARLESSNESS for others to UNLOCK Their own Glorious TEMPLES, to smash the glass ceilings of Captor cages and limiting paradigms to a WIN WIN expansive ABUNDANCE. 

My intention is that THIS PIECE is a blueprint, a PATHWAY, and a CODE in and of itself for individuals that Unlocks a Morphically Resonant, limitless and BOUNDLESS Existence for a more balanced WHOLE, TRUE Reverent Life.

Thank you to my CHILDREN. For being my PERPETUAL LOCKS AND KEYS BOTH.

Eli Elkus, my champion angel, there is here some role reversal present. Instead of ME being the Vessel and Lock, and you birthing the Keys of so many of OUR musical genius babies…  to leave others like breadcrumbs… YOU now are the LOCK and this body of work is the Key I am birthing into the world to leave and gift all beings with. THANK YOU for Being my SACRED Partner. We BIRTH so much Inspiration into work that wants to be BORN through us together. Thank you FOR working WITH ME in our mutual journey of ALWAYS LOOKING at Truth, Recognizing it as such and MAKING CHANGES no matter how hard that is- to ADAPT to Walking the WALK of GENUINE Authentic LOVING TRUTHFUL PARTNERSHIP. Thank you for the ENDLESS INCREDIBLE EPIPHANIES and words that come through YOU that are ONE in the SAME as this work ITSELF. You all can read of our INCREDIBLE Mystical Re-Union HERE.

Thank you BRONCO for helping learn how to FIGHT via the lesson you taught me with sticks and tug of war while we were on God Us Mountain.

Thank you Jen Ward for gifting me with your body of KEYS in the Language of Empowerment that you have tapped into to help me ARTICULATE my work so clearly. Thank you for teaching me to PERCEIVE in ENERGY with my subtle intuitive senses and to TRUST what it is I am perceiving.

Thank you for ripping off the layers of lies and programming that kept me blind and in chains in my own life, so FIERCELY. 

Thank you for not being polite, when I wasn’t seeing the bullshit I was perpetuating. 

Thank you for being a FIERCE mother Wolf and MIDWIFE for my own Liberation. THANK YOU. 

You have expedited my enlightenment and empowerment by many many lifetimes so quickly. 

You have allowed me to ACCESS a LIFE that is LIMITLESS and SO Happy, thank you.

And thank you for the work you did for my WHOLE FAMILY and generations to come. Thank you.

Thank you to ALL my angels who got through to me. 

Thank you to ALL who work to Uplift and MAKE SPACE for those in bodies who are discredited because of their gender or race.

Thank you to JARED DAVIS one of my FIRST Sacred Masculine PROTECTOR Brothers that gifted me with a ROLE Modeling of what a REAL man is.

Thank you to ALL my teachers.

Thank you to my angels who I didn’t allow to be my divine messenger Angels, who couldn’t get through to me.

Thank you to all the forces people mis-label as Inanimate. 

Thank you to every ROCK and TREE that CONSTANTLY SPOKE to me of my JOURNEY. 

THANK YOU because it was ONLY YOU who I have ever FELT WHAT ACTUAL REAL TRUE LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE was. 

THANK YOU for teaching me to HEAR, with Jen’s help, the LANGUAGE of all Things, and trusting.

Thank you to all the Non-human life forms in the PEACEFUL REVERENT PLACES In NATURE that were ALWAYS there for me when I had No one. YOU ALWAYS guided me, you were always speaking to me. You never have left me alone and you have lead me HERE. TO this INCREDIBLE SANCTUARY of a HOME that is ALIVE with Spirit.

Thank you to my family and Kids’ dad, and to all those who challenged me, Your resistance made me strong to become the determined warrior truth-seeker I had to become. 

Thank you to all the HIDDEN FIGURE-LOCKS who CONTINUE to not be Credited, ACKNOWLEDGED, and Revered. YOUR WORK CHANGES THE WORLD.

YOU ARE THE CHALICE, you are the Vessel for Holy work to be BIRTHED. YOU are the MOTHERS of ALL CREATION.

THANK YOU to the intangible FORCE I call Spirit.